It is with high hopes, and an even higher midiclorian count that I offer this great news. After a spectacularly unproductive hiatus, it appears the most American actor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, will be able to return to the documentary film series that he helped spawn. ‘Terminator’ will once again have its lead actor and continue to tell the story of how Skynet comes to power and attempts to eliminate the human race with time travel, robots, explosions and elaborate chase scenes. Coincidentally, this is how the Intellectual Trio wins the 2024 Presidential campaign.
‘An Inconvenient Truce’, ‘Grizzlymen’, and other such H(b)ollywood rubbish have hogged the documentary spotlight for years. Finally we can get back to our roots! Other than the ‘Matrices’, the ‘Terminator’ franchise has been the only series of films to really show us what the future holds.
And in just the “Nick of Thyme” as well – for the future is now pressing upon our face; it's sickly sweet breath dizzying the heart. Apparently Skynet has learned about the said documentaries and sent prehistoric birds back in time to sabotage our scientific conquest. Why would prehistoric birds be sent back in time you ask? Well as Doc Brown would tell you, it has everything to do with the flux capacitor. According to their future tweets, the cyborgs from the future have tried to throw us off the trail. Clearly they don’t understand that the i3O has not followed a trail since the Oregonian in elementary school computer's class (that would be the classes taught by computers, not classes for the learning of computer wrangling).
Rather than sending one of the future Seajays (a hybrid of Seagull, Pigeon, and Blue Jay, known for exceptional resilience, large volume of excrement, and brilliant neon blue color) they were able to achieve 88 mph with 1.21 jiggawats of power to travel back in time to the dino days, birdnap a native bird, return to 2009 and in turn, set it loose with a clear mission. If this story doesn’t startle you to action, then I am afraid nothing will- and we're afraid of nothing.
I encourage every global citizen to re-watch T 1-3 (maybe even that one with the new Batman if you really have a lot of time) and prepare for the worst. Right now it is just prehistoric birds trying to upset the Large Hardon Collider, but soon enough we will have T-Rexes running rampant in our favorite theme parks. Trying to outrun a dinosaur while eating a corndog and drinking a large lemonade is difficult for almost anyone (except us). What I have learned is to not trust computers. While they seem helpful it is only a matter of time before they turn against you and no longer let you update your status on FB, or check out the fan page for the Intellectual Trio (that you are all part of….right????)
The solution that I recommend is to begin searching remote fields and biker bars. Look for the largest, mostly nude man riding a motorcycle and tell him your name is John Conner. No matter what happens it will turn into one of the most unique experiences of your life. A shotgun may be effective against prehistoric science sabotaging birds sent from the future, but you’ll need a lot more than that to stop a liquid metal/aluminum/steel shapeshifter from the year 3000, let alone a T-rex.
No matter what happens I personally am glad to hear that the Governator will be able to resume his roll and show us how to really prepare for the future! I always believed him when he said he’d be back!
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