Science is, once again, trying to hog the glory (as opposed to trying to “glory the hog”, another of their habits). They insist that it was a test demonstration of the awesome power of their new and/or ancient weapon of mass destruction, tectonic plates. But we are calling their bluff: certainly they would have had the foresight of writing a list of demands or a ransom note. If I'm not mistaken, in their circles, this is called a hypothesis. Clearly, scientists, while a nasty and noxious presence and potential threat on the horizon, they do not, in the words of my local bus driver, “have their shit together.”
Obviously, the more sensible knee-jerk reaction is to blame God. After all, the Good Book says, “In Him, all natural disasters are possible” (Amadeus 4:26-45, odd verses only). But after careful theological considerations, we, the mighty and pious Intellectual Trio, have decided that the good people of Haiti had not broken any laws, whether man's or God's. That is not to say, of course, that it is not the Haitians fault that this earthshake occurred. It is simply to say that, this act of vengeance was not from His Hands.The French have a saying for this sort of situation: charchez la femme. Many scholars disagree, but I believe the root is High Flemish, and it roughly translates to “follow the booze.” Gamely, the Trio downed two Imperial gallons of “the good stuff,” and had an idea – what you mortals might call an epiphany, and quickly put it aside: we had to focus instead on the problem of who caused the Haitian earthshake, and when and where might they strike again.
Fully blitzed, as it were, the Trio stumbled upon the truest resource for many modern problems that seem to be beyond comprehension: the annals of history. Yes, the Trio, moaned to itself. History! And who is Haiti's greatest natural predator? None other than Napoleon Bonaparte!
A quick call to his publicist ensued. This man assured us that Napoleon had an alibi: he has been dead for nearly 200 years. However, again, in the words of our trusty bus driver, “the shit don't match the salad.” After all, Haiti was Napoleon's first major embarrassment; a former colony that successfully held off his so-called Grand-Armee and claimed their independence from the mighty French empire. Moreso, Haiti was, demographically speaking, primarily a “black” nation, and while I can't say that Napoleon is racist, I will say that he doesn't like black people. A quick and thrusting probe revealed that Napoleon, while dead for the alleged amount of years, was still wrecking havoc – in spectral form!
Yes, the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte and his phantasmal Grand Armee caused the earthshake of Haiti in retribution for their insolence before his regal might some centuries ago. And while it may be unfair that the sins of Haiti's forefathers are being visited upon their current-day kinsmen, that's the price you pay for freedom.We cannot say for certain whether the ghost of Napoleon will strike again, but we do know that there is a pro-active solution that will insure that this sort of devastation will never happen again. Anyone familiar with the ghostly sciences know that ghosts only linger in this world because they have unfinished business. It doesn't take a rocket botanist to realize what Napoleon's unfinished business might be. In fact, I will spell it out for the few non-rocket, “common” botanists among us.
Haiti must amass an army of hundreds of thousands and conquer all of Europe. This is the only way to put to rest the soul of Napoleon and to forever cease his hauntings that have debilitated Haiti so rakishly. If you want to help the good people of Haiti restore their once proud nation, you can donate money, arms or manpower through the following links:
American Red Cross
Oxfam International
Unicef
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