Intellectualizing the Winter Olympics

To: coach@teamusa.gov
Cc: boss@IOC.org

Subject: cost savings for the future

Good Day Coach,

First of all I want to wish you luck in the 2010 Winter Olympics. I apologize for the i3O not being able to compete in this year's games. Hopefully you understand our busy schedule and loyalty to all major countries, at least to every country that wins a gold or silver. We all know bronze was invented to make 3rd place feel worse for not doing better.

While our athleticism will not be able to help team USA this year, we want you to know our intellectuality is hard at work. I, the Trio, have identified an area of great cost savings. Lodging, food, travel, clothing are large expenses for each member of team USA. The best way to eliminate these ridiculous costs is to streamline the team. It is expected that USA will compete, and should win, in almost every event. I am not telling you how to do your job, but you must realize the most valuable asset you have at your disposal. Not the hopes, dreams, and respect of the entire country, but Mr. Shaun White. The Flying Tomato himself.

His primary sport is snowboarding but his skills, and midichlorean count, are off the charts. Overall awesomeness alone allow Shaun to be a contender in many events with small modifications. Flying down the luge course on a snowboard may seem ridiculous at first but trust me Mr. White can do this with his eyes closed. I have actually seen him do this twice in the last two weeks. The biathlon will be no problem, just give the man a rifle and he can hit a penny at 15,000 yards. If they mandate cross country skis must be used instead of a snowboard tell the IOC that we don't respond well to discrimination and they will be hearing from my attorney!! That being said Shaun should be able to pick up skiing in about 17 seconds.

You may be skeptical but trust me, I have far more experience coaching Olympians than most people ever will, evident by my extraordinarily large count of medals in Sonic and Mario at the Olympics on Wii. Michael Phelps won however many medals, but I think it is realistic for The Tomato to win 48, by day 4. You would be a hero to coaches, and evil produce executives everywhere.

Mr. Boss at IOC

I have included you on this note because the Trio also has some cost savings ideas for you. Hopefully you are aware of the global economic recession/depression (henceforth called repression) plaguing the globe. The opening ceremonies were great and all but the Trio is offering an exclusive contract to provide the opening as well as closing ceremonies for the next 10 Olympics, summer and winter, for a nominal fee. My singing voice can only be rivaled by William Hung, and the choreography will be like nothing you have ever seen. This would be a great way to combat the economic repression, as well as the global intellectual repression at the same time. Please think this over because we are already in talks to be long term host of a new combo BET/CMA awards to air exclusively on Home Shopping Network: the Black Home Country Music Shopping Entertainment Association Television Network Awards.

Thank you for your time and good luck to all the teams competing. The Trio supports everyone equally, except for supporting Team USA more.

Your friends,
The Intellectual Trio