My fellow readers, the Intellectual Trio is once again working on your behalf. This concerns every single person in the WORLD, and not just the rich or the beautiful human people. This should immediately be translated to all global languages; while I know all of them (by heart), I simply don’t have the time to do all the legwork myself. According to the ‘news’ there is a new ocean forming in an African desert.
Something smells a little fishy about this story (and it's not the fish LOL!) and the Intellectual Trio needed to get to the bottom of it (and not because we were hungry). As usual it only takes a logical mind, and complete understanding of all universal powers to figure out what is really going on. No doubt there is another ocean forming, but what we need to figure out is: what is behind this development? Is it that overbearing, controlling Mommy Nature? Perhaps it is divine intervention? Could it be like the article above says; could that Scarlet Harlot, Science, be behind this? Magma, volcanoes, tectonic plates, a million years... these are great plot points for an unauthorized Trio Biopic (Triopic), but they don’t have anything to do with creating an ocean. I mean, come on boys and girls, there's no water in lava! What do I have to do here?!
The real culprits of this ecological miracle make up a secret conglomerate that has embedded themselves so deeply in our society that we would be lost without them, literally (“literally”:foreshadowing joke ;-]). Illuminati? Casa Nostra? The Masons? Those assholes are like the tree house clubs you couldn't get into when you were six (you still can't, by the way). The real power behind this new ocean isn’t science, nature, or an ancient sun god: it is the Federation of International cartography (FIC) and FIC ain't no joke. Here at the Intellectuarium, we've been expecting this for a while; this group needs something to boost sales and flex their geographic bicep one more time. This is the biggest news in the map-making industry in at least a decade.
Don’t think that the FIC did this alone; those prissy dunces don't like to get their hands dirty. A project of this caliber would require the help of another group, at the very least, to bring on a fall guy. To fully understand this we simply need to look at history to figure out who their accomplices are. It is common knowledge (for the Intellectual Trio) that the fall of the USSR was engineered by the federation of map makers with the help of GM and African militias. Turning Hawaii into a state? Once again this was the work of the map-makers, this time partnering with the International Pineapple Mercenary Commission.
Don’t bother trying to look any of these groups up; they are so confidential that their own members don’t even know they exist. A job of this magnitude requires the efforts of multiple parties. The map-makers have a history of liaising with military groups so obviously various global navies are involved. The icing on this seaweed cake is the support of the Intergalaxy Cruise Line Association. What would another ocean provide? A new body of water which will allow a new destination for gloriously exotic cruises. More cruise ships will require a navy to protect them from hostile pirates, not to mention a boon for the always contracting piracy industry (Trickle-down oceaniconomics; Reagan was a genius!). One plus one equals three, and BINGO, you have the i3O.
How could the cartographers have so much power you ask? That is rather ‘elementary’. Maps have infiltrated their way into every school in every part of the world. The FIC have brainwashed society into believing that without their maps(vide: Global Positing Synergies), we would be lost . Well I don’t need a map to tell me I am lost - I know that every time I get up in the morning!
So what can we do to stop these FIC-faces? Sadly, nothing. But wait! An ocean means more waterfront property – good thing I3O is the third largest private landholder of the Sahara Desert (as well as proud co-proprietor of the Brooklyn Bridge). Can I get a “Cha-ching! This is an investment that would make that sissy Warren Buffer puke on his moccasins.
The sole purpose of this article, and all UnHoaxed! writings, is to demonstrate that you as a reader should never take things at face value. The Intellectual Trio promises to do the best I can to provide the truthiness as quickly as possible. If you come across something that creates a lump in your caw, benign or otherwise, then please let us know. No matter what it takes, we will get to the bottom of it (“it” referring to both the “something” you might “come across” as well as your “caw”. Obviously)!
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