Saving the Other Big Three

This Musing, feared lost to the wicked private collection of Father Time, was originally writ-en in the fall of 2008, using either the Gregorian or Julian calender(s). It is reprinted for posterior's sake.

I -like you, humble readers- try our best to keep up with present-day affairs. The arduousness of the task is compounded by the recent run of “Housewomen of Atlanta County”, as fine and probing a docu-series as ever was. How-ever, I think now is a good time to admit that the national auto-car industry is struggling. Ford, GMC, and Chrysler, the so-called “Big Three,” (a name, of course, more often attributed to the I3O by some lady folk) are on the verge of something called bankruptcy. As you undoubtedly know, this is not the more common moral bankruptcy that plagues our schools and schoolyards but a different financial bankruptcy that involve complex legal and economic consequence. Once again, a formidable foe for our formidable intellection. And we are very pleased to institute the position of Other Big Three Chairman, and pass it along to another Fellow.

One might ponder; why not simply engineer the rescue ourself? The Intellectual Trio is, of course, the optimum answer, but I must confess, we are convincingly uninterested. As Mama Trio used to say: never ride bareback on a dying train, and the stench of decay and pig-iron surrounds this Other Big Three. However, there is another man interested in saving dying macrocosms and we give him my full support and Official Nomination: Allen Gore.

You probably know Allen Gore best as Leo DiCaprio's former Gay-friend; they were oft-times seen palling around like terrorists for much of the last three years. The Religious Rite will be glad to know that they have since ended their tryst, and he is safely back with Tipper and her sickly sweet embrace. Gore, of course, was the Hollywood mind -now there's an oxymoron!- behind the brilliant “March of the Penguins.” This record-breaking film captured the plight of the common Arctic Penguin-bird. I tell you, humble readers, this motion play -fictional though it was- seized mine own heart so firmly, we could hardly breathe, for fear of crying. The result being that now, when-ever I find ourselves at the Trio-approved MacDonald's Restaurant and stare droolingly at the Joyous Meal menu, we quickly decide against their robust and delicious Penguin McNuggets, opting instead for their McCowmeatburger (quick show of hands: who was aware that cows are in meat? Be honest!). This choice, so I've been told, is far more nutritious as well; a double-boon!

As it turns out, Gore has spent time as a Lawman as well. In fact, rumor is, he was the Understudy for President Billiam Clinton (two Oxymorons in one piece, the boys at the club will surely giggle now!). Naturally, this was before he was Denounced and Impeached, though allowed to stay on for National Security reasons. And while service in a disgraced and tommy-rotten administration is nothing of which to boast, Snr. Gore certainly knows his way around the Overt Office. This experience in the highest Room in the Land clearly gives him the administrative know-how to combat the Other Big Three, and their board-rooms of gnomes and wizards, each older than the last. Full dis-closure: the owners and tsars of the OTB are each at least 700 years old. This sort of entrenched leadership, which harkens back to the Medievals, mankind's Golden Age, is difficult to undermine. Gore must infiltrate their ranks by donning the skin of the rare Iceberg Fox and biting -nibbling, really- each of these old toads in the ear. This is an instantaneous coup d'auto, and will be respected. It is in many ways a fool's errand, has only been done correctly once (by Sir Bismarck in 1845) and brings with it every imaginable risk, but is clearly the only way.

The hard part over, OTB Chancellor Gore will have the Commoner's task of saving each of these companies from both bankruptcies (so keep that Billiam and his curvaceous sister, Hillary, away!) and, in doing so, keep all of those dozens of jobs in America, for Americans. The terrorists are once again on the outside looking-Inn, thanks to the dexterity of the Intellectual Trio.