My fellow intellectuals, it is time we clear our collective throat and bellow out a mighty harrumph in the name of democracy! Look at the facts of this case, two astronauts and an Air Force captain in some sort of inter-orbit love obtuse triangle. Throw in the Navy, NASA, and the court system and there is more bureaucracy involved than at an Intellectual Trio dinner party!
“Allegedly," and with great Gusto, Cadet Nowak, a NASA something or other, drove from one place to another, wearing nothing but the finest diapers, to dress up (sources say it was not Hallow's Eve) and attack the woman who stole her man. This sort of gumption is sorely lacking today, a dubious feather in ol' Uncle Penal Code's cap. Her sentencing amounted to a year of probation and some hours of community service, or as we Intellectuals like to say, an extra crispy In and Out Justice Burger. And while we're no legal scholars, her sentence may or may not fit the crime. But that is not the tickle from this story's feather we're worried about.
We all know it was said best “all you need is love..hurts”. No truer words have been spoken, except every word that I have ever spoken. There are a few issues in this case that bother me, and in turn should bother you. First of which is the common courtesy of understanding the hierarchy of relationships. Everyone knows that being an Air Force captain is a very noble position. (The i3O thanks all of the troops of this great landmass). Being an Astronaut though, is literally in a different world. An Astronaut mind works differently than the mind of an average earthling. They don’t worry about trivial things like gravity, hydrated milks, or global warming.
Thirdly is the issue of why this story received so much attention. Space cadet Lisa Marie Nowak driving from Texas to Florida to attack Capt. Colleen Shipman, the current squeeze of Nowak’s spaceman ex is so far fetched? You wouldn’t do the same for your significant other? How dare you call yourself a lover, or a fighter for that matter! Wearing diapers to reduce the frequency of pit stops? Babies do it all the time without ridicule, yet this woman is chastised and turned into the soiled butt of countless lame jokes! If you want to hate babies then be my guest, but know there is plenty of room at Gitmo. If there is one thing the Patriot Act supports it is not making fun of babies.
Secondly, and finally, why would this astronaut attack an Air Force pilot at an AIRPORT! Airports are Air Force turf, you might as well have attacked her at 20,000 feet on the wing of a 737 (This is not advised as the wind speed makes it extremely difficult to properly attack with any ninja weapon). Although this cannot be confirmed, it is believed the initial plan was for Ms. Nowak to lure Captain Shipman to Disneyworld. Once at Disneyworld, Nowak would attack Shipman while on Space Mountain to keep the home field advantage herself. A more Intellective ruse hast ne'er-fore been cogitated. Sadly, due to the extremely long drive, partnered with the diaper rash, temporary insanity precipitated Ms. Nowak's belief the airport was in fact, Space Mountain.
So huzzah, Cadet Nowak, for following your heart. The heart, after all, is the organ from which Intellectuality comes from, not the brain (you mindless drones), which, obviously, houses the soul, or at least, what's left of it. After all, what is the crime here? Besides assault? When the day comes wherein a young lady can't stalk and attack the beau of the man she loves, or at least, likes, even if... the feelings weren't reciprocated, I hope that day will be a Thursday, which at our Intellectuarium, we've taken to calling Inside-Out Thursday. It's time we took a long Intellectual look in our looking glasses, gentlemen. A long look in-deed.
In all seriousness, The Intellectual Trio is glad no one was seriously injured. We have all learned to not date anyone from outer space and I hope that everyone can move on with their lives. I wish the best to the happy couple…whoever it turns out to be. Also please note that the i3O does not endorse; stalking, felonies, misdemeanors, crimes of passion, crime in general, being pro or con baby, driving from Texas to Florida in a diaper, or passing judgment on the legal system. We do endorse ourselves, support of the troops, and the grand old United States of America!
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