3-D Television: A Quick Detour on Stupidness Lane

There has been a lot of talk recently about 3-"D" television and what it has to offer. While scholars disagree on exactly what the D stands for, the Trio is pretty certain it stands for "'D'ominating humanity into stupidness". Sure, the idea of television in 3-D sounds promising, it has revolutionized film, it will revolutionize video games, it could revive network television, but at what cost? Before you run out and buy one of these ludicrous contraptions take a close look at yourself in the mirror. But you will also increase the stupidness of the world to catastrophic levels.

How can 3-D televisions possibly lead to more stupidness in America? The Trio will outline in detail just exactly how this is going to happen as well as what future ramifications this could have on our children's 5-D grandchildren. Like Miley Cyrus once crooned, to fully understand where we are going you need to understand where we have come from. Like all stupidness this, 3-D television can be traced back to cellular telephones.

Cell phones have quickly become a lifeline for most everyone in this galaxy. This is fine, the Trio doesn't have any beef with cell phones (or any other animal meet for that matter). It was the fact that cellular telephones used their power to introduce the first phase of stupidness, that is most bothersome. I want you to think back a few years, when you first started noticing people with annoying bluetooth headsets in their ears. You remember the first time you saw them you thought "MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT THING IN THAT PERSONS EAR! ARE THEY SOME SORT OF CYBORG? THEY AREN'T A CYBORG?!?!?! WELL THEN THEY LOOK REALLY STUPID!" Not only did they continue to sell these stupid looking earpieces but their popularity grew! Soon you had more and more people running around with earpieces in, some of them simply to look important. A select super-stupid breed even had one in each ear, which does not cancel out the stupid, it grows it exponentially (see figure 1 below) Hearing aides, headphones, earmuffs, q-tips, these are all acceptable things to have in your ear. When people are putting bluetooths, that glow blue in their ears, then a certain line has been crossed. What would these people do if they were trying to escape from a rouge band of ninjas in pitch black? I can tell you what they would do, they would get their faces kicked because the ninjas would be able to follow the blinking blue beacon and know exactly where to land a Chuck Norris style roundhouse to the head!

What does this have to do with 3-D television? I asked myself the same question until we realised the answer! How do you see 3-D? Well you need a special set of glasses to see the supposed "third" dimension. This means that now people are going to be sitting around with bug eyed glasses on their face all the time. HOW STUPID IS THAT GOING TO LOOK? When 3-D glasses were styling blue and red cardboard it was one thing, but these glasses have about as much aesthetic appeal as Mo'Nique in a string bikini. The 3-D television companies know this, they are secretly just trying to make America more stupider. After all, ugly = stupid. Well the Trio is here to tell you that we are not falling for it. Figure 2 demonstrates just how high the stupid will go if 3-D television and the stupid glasses catch on. Global warming, economic crisis, Idol without Paula, even Y10K are all small potatoes compared to the apocalypse coming if this evil stupid plan succeeds.

3-D glasses do not belong in the home. Many scientists have theorized that a level of stupid above 2.5 million/per person could cause planetary implosion. (A reverse big bang, not to be confused with a little bang [to be outlined, described and solved at another time) 3-D glasses would bring the stupidness well above that level to almost 3.8 million/per person.

How do we solve this? Easy enough, 3-D contacts. If the contact-makers are in bed with the glasses manufacturers and the television lobby (a menage a trouble!), someone get Dr. and Mrs. Lasik on the phone. I want to see in 3-D all the time anyway.

figure 1)

Given: 60 = standard stupid (stpd) of a human being,
AND: earpiece (E) = 42 stpd

60 stpd + (earpiece)^# of earpieces =60 + (42)^2 = 1824 stupid

figure 2)
glasses =78 stupid

60 + (glasses * # eyes)^# dimensions

60 + (78 * 2)^3 =3796476