Recently, the television network, National Broadcasting Channel, or “NBC,” found itself front and center in the attention of many people over their late night programming. To rid themselves of the Conan O'Brien to make room for the Jay Leno, a previously fired employee-cum-rehired guinea pig/failure, they had to pay over $40 million to Mr. O'Brien. Now, I don't know about you, except for the fact that I, the Intellectual Trio, do know about you. And you think $40 million is a lot of million. Instead of the chickenheads clucking on and on the major and minor news and opinion medias, we here of the Trio are not interested in blame (unless it pertains to “natural” disasters, economic woes, or new oceans). Therefore, we will give you what all the others won't. I know what you're thinking - we'll give you that too, but first: a good solution to this obviously important late night debacle.
First of all, we would never dream of picking either the Jay Leno or the Conan O'Brien over the other. The reasons for this are simple. First of all, both of them have impeccable names. Lastly, they both are Greek. Secondly, they both have prominently odd facial features, and most importantly, both of them are, in their own right, intellectually hilarious! Seriously though! Whether it is self-pleasuring men in animal pelts or demonstrating the woefully under-education of Joe Every-American, the Trio gets a giant barrel of giggles out of both O'Brien and Leno on a regular basis. It is clear that both are at the top of the game, and, let's face it (and by “face it”, I mean, literally, put our face up to the idea of), both are as indispensable from the late night scene as the Trio is to the entire human population. Make no bones about it, late night television is the single most important aspect of human culture and expression, and both of these “Picassos” (though I suspect that in future generations, the shorthand for creative genius will be both the names “Conan” or “Leno”) are needed in nothing short of the worst way.
Given that persuasive argument above, a modest Intellectual, such as ourself, might suggest that instead of picking one over the other, the prudent course would have been to give “The Tonight Show” to BOTH Jayford Leno and Conanington O'Brien. Clearly, there seems to be no “side-to-go-down” or “downside” here. You capture two modern Rembrandts at once. You are able to seize the major demographics that each artist attracts (namely, the group that still watches late night talk shows and the coveted OTHER group that still watches late night talk shows), and BOOM! Multiple your ratings by the thousands, and maybe even the hundreds! Imagine: instead of the traditional and humdrum “monologue” performed by a singular host entity, “The Tonight Show with Jay and Conan O'Brien and Leno” would start off with ... wait for it... a “dialogue” - a monologue conducted by two people! And instead of having guests, which, frankly detract from the focus and quality of the show, the two titans of humor could simply interview each other – every night! I dare you to dream up a better show!
Too late, I already did it! While “The Tonight Show with Jay and Conan O'Brien and Leno” would be truly amazing in the sense that it would make a maze of your humor bones, there are some obstacles and infeasibilities that aren't readily apparent to the likes of you. First of all, this show would, in all likelihood, by prohibitively expensive. Love don't come cheap, and neither nor does humor. Paying for the Leno-O'Brien dream team would put NBC well over the salary cap, and it's not like NBC is in a major media market to justify raising ticket prices enough to handle such high overhead. I know, I know, we are broken up about it as well, but the pipe dream of O'Brien and Leno together on one set is as pipe-y as it gets. The good news? The Trio can out-pipe anyone.
Instead of trying to combine two people into one show, there exists a much more expedient and obviously more intellectual course of action: combine two people into... ONE PERSON. You and I both see married couples try this all the time. Therefore, NBC should take Leno DNA and Conan DNA and infuse them into an embryo. Allow forty years, or until the crust is golden-brown. Meanwhile, have General Electric (ahem, your “boss”) create a time machine. Then, once the genetic über mensch comes of age, send it back to 2010 and ------- presto! I give you “The Tonight Show with Jaynon O'Brano!”. Frankly, you can thank me later.
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