After a decade of continuous research, The Intellectual Trio has concluded that the effect of ‘Year 2000 Kill-o-cide” or “Y2K”, was minimal at most. Most major ‘news outlets’ prematurely rushed to this conclusion on 1/1/2000, but the Intellectual Trio is thorough in all aspects of life. We simply don’t throw wild claims into society without solid evidence to support it. Many so called experts are projecting who will win the 2010 Super bowl, but the Intellectual Trio knows for a fact that can’t be predicted. However, the London Knights will win the 2015 Super Bowl; that's right, international expansion.
To fully understand the significance of this news, it is imperative that you have the background on what Y2K was believed to be. To gain a proper understanding, we must travel back ten years to the previous millennium. A time of beepers, Justin Timbenlake when he was still a part of that Upstreet Heat cover band, the birth of the 1 GHz CPU, Windows XP, and Vanilla Ice. Somehow, some way, out of somewhere the idea of Y2K was pushed into the public sector. Y2K blew up quicker than Kanye West at an awards show.
Y2K was the binary nuclear bomb that would blow 1’s and 0’s so far off the information superhighway that MapQuest wouldn’t even be able to find them. Once the clock hit midnight on New Year's Eve, computers would reset to 1900 (that's the year, try to keep up...) rendering them completely useless. Cell phones would instantaneously cease to work as their technologically advanced microprocessors vanished into thin air. For any chance at communication, people would be forced to embrace the harmonic telegraph network of Alex Bell’s wildest fantasy. Robots would go on strike, obliterating the Taft-Hartley Act. Vehicles would only be useful with a Flinstonian modification - removing the floor boards allowing occupants to provide power themselves. Of course vehicle propulsion by feet is practical for anyone in tropical climates, but navigating black ice on foot? As they say in foggy London, forget about it.
There was also immense mental stress associated with Y2K. People were facing fears they hoped no generation would ever have to. Would Ross and Rachel end up together? What does 'is” really mean? What happens at the end of Final Fantasy VIII? When will the Dow hit 100,000 points? Is the Cold War REALLY over? These are just a few of the horrible mysteries that would fade into the eternal unknown.
The same “media” that created this beast was also quick to slay it. Once it was realized instantaneous global tragedy was not going to occur, they began reporting how it was averted. Supposedly computer programmers had spent previous months “updating code”, “creating solutions”, “engineering alternatives” and all sorts of techno mumbo jumbo. Most likely this means they were crossing their fingers and hoping for the best while staying up all hours of the night to complete Final Fantasy VIII. But did they? That is, both, did they complete Final Fantasy VIII and did they avert Y2K?
Our conclusion: Yes, at least with Y2K. That's right folks, you can know safely leave our bomb shelter. Just remember that you heard it here first: Y2K was a hoax from the computer geeks to get them on TV, that vile strumpet of a medium. Little did they know at the time, all you had to do was debase yourself (vide: reality TV). Of course, reality TV (or “television”) was in its nascent, and dare I say, crescent phase. Don't worry, Y2K's moon has set.
But there is an important issue of issued importance that needs to be addressed and soon. You thought this whole time we were discussing Y2K, we were looking back? Ha! It's a look forward (never underestimate the Tr3o). That's right, we're safe with Y2K, because Y2K wasn't the real Y2K – the really real Y2K is... drum roll, please... Y10K. I mean, that's Y2K times five or six, and what's worse – no one is talking about this!
If you need proof then simply ask your “elected official”, what steps are being taken to prepare for Y10K. They will most likely laugh you off, and question your sincerity, or sanity. While I question our sanity daily, how dare they question our sincerity! Why would an official react like this? It is obvious; they have no idea how to prepare! The previous ‘solutions’ may keep us safe for another 8990 years, but once Y10K hits, it is every intellectual for themselves! Explain that to your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandchildren's great grandchildren's children. Yeah, good luck.
(On another related note…The Intellectual Trio is willing to start extensive research into the Y10K problem. For a small $376 million grant, we can begin immediate investigation within the next two to three decades. Please contact us with any proposals.)
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