Profiles in Intellectualism: Hines Ward

Excepting basket-ball, sports are a charming pastime for the Intellectual mind. And despite the incongruity of the name, American-style football is a particularly beloved spectacle. Full of rich and colorful uniforms and characters alike, football has become one of the most popular sports in the country (and, indeed, the Milky Way). And while many of these massive humans, justly rewarded with diamonds and facial hair, have “spoken their mind” over the years against injustice and homosexual witch-huntery, few men (and men alone, for women are appropriately barred from such a manly contest of wearing spandex capri pants and hugging each other to the ground) have spoken with the eloquence of Hines Ward.

Though Hines Ward plays in Heinz Field (talk about home-field advantage!), he has no connection to the Heinz family fortune... yet. But given some statements this week, we can safely conclude that he essentially called teammate and Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger a sissy-pants. Roethlisberger was concussed in a contest the week prior. Doctors foolishly noted post-concussive symptoms and disallowed the evil young quarterback from playing in the following meet. But Hines Ward saw right through that.

Ward remarked, “You either play and jeopardize your future, or you sit out and worry about the big picture.” In this case, the big picture is surely the Autotriopic Documentary, whose movie rights are currently available. Suffice it to say, Ward and the rest of the Steelers lost the game without their surely dizzy quarterback, putting their chances at gaining entrance to the play-offs slightly lower. The whole mess is clearly Roethlisberger's fault, who has sustained four head injuries in his short professional career, and certainly should be used to it by now.

Ward went on to explain how he can pass judgment on the very quarterback whose sinister and weak play has led the both of them to two Super Bowl titles over the past four years. Mr. Ward has claimed that when he was hurt, he lied to his doctors so that they may clear him to play – despite his injuries! Here at the Intellectuarium, we can do little but shake our heads – in excitement! Long have we waited for someone as Intellectual as us (well, almost); one who has the ability to take the phrase “mind over matter”, and put it to good use! For someone to hoodwink their own physical state using nothing more than his giant Intellective processes, well, you may color us Impressed (actually, a shade of Light Impressed).

Hines Ward has long engendered a reputation by sports writers as a “gamer”, a receiver who blocks when it is appropriate to block, and so forth. This is no small feat, as sports writers and commentators, fickle though they can be, are some of the wisest in the land. For a physical specimen like Hines Ward to push around another human being of equal or lesser size fifteen to twenty times for five to ten seconds at a time requires unimaginable grit and “love of the game”. I can scarcely imagine what a tongue-humping Ward will get from the sports scribes now that he has tricked his body into a non-injurious state.

As for Roethlisberger, I believe it is clear now that he only has one option: indiscriminately murder all of the doctors on staff for the Pittsburgh Steelers and replace them with a bunch of highly paid stooges with little integrity - the sort of yes men a personage of import a quarterback ought to have. See, the quarterback is the king of the fiefdom that is a football team, and if Roethlisberger isn't prepared to put his meaningless future health at risk for the glory at hand, well, the peasants are rising. And it isn't as if there isn't a potential dictator waiting in the wings. A quick look at the roster reveals one such player with tyrant-quarterback experience in college: Hines Ward!

It is clear now that Hines Ward is plotting a vicious coup on the despotic Roethlisberger and his ineffective court of doctors and medicine men. Well, he has the Trio's full endorsement. After all, this isn't politics or warfare, it's football. And football is the most important thing of all. Besides the Intellectual Trio, of course.

The New York Times had a surprising intellectative take on the Ward saga:

But Ward was stuck in the same refrain, about how he had lied to doctors and played with concussions, and survived. Again, Ward insisted, he was not questioning anybody’s toughness, not judging another man. Here was Ward, wrestling with concussions, debating no one except himself.

Wrestling medical conditions? Debating no one except himself? Intellectual moves any day of the month! Huzzah, Mr. Ward!

Intellectual "Up-to-Date": Hines Ward has since "apologized" to Mr. Ben Roethlisberger, claiming he did not "have all of the information." Sure, Mr. Ward. This reminds us of the old adage: keep your friends close, and your enemies full of apologies - and, after a while, gut them and take their empire. Well played, indeed.

Have an Intellectual worthy of a Profile? E-Mail us, theintellectualtrio@gmail.com: festina lente!