Finally, some newsworthy news and we thought it was important for the Intellectual Trio to weigh in on this discovery. The discovery of this “super-Earth” makes the hairs on my symbolic neck burst into the Macarena. The article mentions that there will not be life similar to earth, which is quite obvious. The life on this ‘super-Earth’ will be SUPER compared to an average earthling. The intellect could possibly rival that of the Intellectual Trio! (When we were in grade school).
I, the i3O, personally welcome the thought of meeting these ‘super-earthlings’ and learning about their culture. From studying the documentary Superman, I think it is safe to say that everything on this planet is able to fly, as well as have X-ray vision. Safety is always a top concern, so I recommend stocking up on as much kryptonite as possible. While I’m sure the ‘super-earthlings’ are a peaceful kind you can never be too careful. Their advanced minds may not comprehend things like cell phones, mistaking them as some sort of pocket phaser.
Telepathy is most likely their primary source of communication, followed by a combination of Morris code and charades. Since very few of us are telepathic I would recommend brushing up on the second form of communication. Charades is difficult enough, but you really need to practice tapping out accurate Morris code with one hand while still acting out the words. Don’t worry about what other people think, they won’t be laughing when they get evaporated for responding to a text message on their pocket phaser.
With the planet being so watery, all ‘super-life’ most likely have gills. That being said the i3O would like to formally submit Kevin Costner for a Forward Thinking Award which is a combination Nobel peace prize and academy award. His character in Waterworld was the first to introduce us to humanoids with gills. Mr. Costner may not only be one of the best actor/directors of our time but may also be clairvoyant. The i3O will begin immediate research into this subject. Along with the kryptonite start stockpiling jars of dirt, the ‘super-earthlings’ will most likely trade their most prized possessions for this hot commodity. Who would have thought while everyone was worried about running out of clean water, dirt would be the intergalactic currency of the future.
The one most troubling aspect of this article is the name of this planet. GJ 1214b does not roll off the tongue. Since the Intellectual Trio is the first to really analyze the impact of this find we would like to submit the following name: “Planet Intellectual Trio”. You must admit, it is much easier to remember, and will be more accurate, once they appoint us their sovereign (simply a matter of time, logically speaking). Write to your congressperson, write to NASA, write to everyone and recommend this name before Stephen Colbert tries to get it named after him!
P.S. (For Super-Earthlings' Eyes Only):
The i3O will be glad to host a dinner party with you to share information and Christmas cookie recipes. If you want to enslave the rest of the human race, you'll find an ally in us. Just respond on our website and we can work out the details.
PPS (For Normal Earthling's Eyes Only):
If you read the above post-script, you may be alarmed. Don't worry. We are simply hoaxing these super-earthings to smoke out their true intentions. We swear that there is nothing to worry about.
PPPS (For Super-Earthling's Eyes Only Again):
― •••• • ―•―― •―― •• •―•• •―•• ―• • •••― • •―• ••• • • •• ― ―•―• ――― ―― •• ―• ――•
hahahahaha
No comments:
Post a Comment