Solving the NBC Late Night Debacle

Recently, the television network, National Broadcasting Channel, or “NBC,” found itself front and center in the attention of many people over their late night programming. To rid themselves of the Conan O'Brien to make room for the Jay Leno, a previously fired employee-cum-rehired guinea pig/failure, they had to pay over $40 million to Mr. O'Brien. Now, I don't know about you, except for the fact that I, the Intellectual Trio, do know about you. And you think $40 million is a lot of million. Instead of the chickenheads clucking on and on the major and minor news and opinion medias, we here of the Trio are not interested in blame (unless it pertains to “natural” disasters, economic woes, or new oceans). Therefore, we will give you what all the others won't. I know what you're thinking - we'll give you that too, but first: a good solution to this obviously important late night debacle.

First of all, we would never dream of picking either the Jay Leno or the Conan O'Brien over the other. The reasons for this are simple. First of all, both of them have impeccable names. Lastly, they both are Greek. Secondly, they both have prominently odd facial features, and most importantly, both of them are, in their own right, intellectually hilarious! Seriously though! Whether it is self-pleasuring men in animal pelts or demonstrating the woefully under-education of Joe Every-American, the Trio gets a giant barrel of giggles out of both O'Brien and Leno on a regular basis. It is clear that both are at the top of the game, and, let's face it (and by “face it”, I mean, literally, put our face up to the idea of), both are as indispensable from the late night scene as the Trio is to the entire human population. Make no bones about it, late night television is the single most important aspect of human culture and expression, and both of these “Picassos” (though I suspect that in future generations, the shorthand for creative genius will be both the names “Conan” or “Leno”) are needed in nothing short of the worst way.

Given that persuasive argument above, a modest Intellectual, such as ourself, might suggest that instead of picking one over the other, the prudent course would have been to give “The Tonight Show” to BOTH Jayford Leno and Conanington O'Brien. Clearly, there seems to be no “side-to-go-down” or “downside” here. You capture two modern Rembrandts at once. You are able to seize the major demographics that each artist attracts (namely, the group that still watches late night talk shows and the coveted OTHER group that still watches late night talk shows), and BOOM! Multiple your ratings by the thousands, and maybe even the hundreds! Imagine: instead of the traditional and humdrum “monologue” performed by a singular host entity, “The Tonight Show with Jay and Conan O'Brien and Leno” would start off with ... wait for it... a “dialogue” - a monologue conducted by two people! And instead of having guests, which, frankly detract from the focus and quality of the show, the two titans of humor could simply interview each other – every night! I dare you to dream up a better show!

Too late, I already did it! While “The Tonight Show with Jay and Conan O'Brien and Leno” would be truly amazing in the sense that it would make a maze of your humor bones, there are some obstacles and infeasibilities that aren't readily apparent to the likes of you. First of all, this show would, in all likelihood, by prohibitively expensive. Love don't come cheap, and neither nor does humor. Paying for the Leno-O'Brien dream team would put NBC well over the salary cap, and it's not like NBC is in a major media market to justify raising ticket prices enough to handle such high overhead. I know, I know, we are broken up about it as well, but the pipe dream of O'Brien and Leno together on one set is as pipe-y as it gets. The good news? The Trio can out-pipe anyone.

Instead of trying to combine two people into one show, there exists a much more expedient and obviously more intellectual course of action: combine two people into... ONE PERSON. You and I both see married couples try this all the time. Therefore, NBC should take Leno DNA and Conan DNA and infuse them into an embryo. Allow forty years, or until the crust is golden-brown. Meanwhile, have General Electric (ahem, your “boss”) create a time machine. Then, once the genetic über mensch comes of age, send it back to 2010 and ------- presto! I give you “The Tonight Show with Jaynon O'Brano!”. Frankly, you can thank me later.

UnHOAXED - The Cause of the Haiti Earthshake

You may have heard of the tremendous devastation in Haiti due to a terrifying earthshake. Hundreds of thousands of people are dead or presumed dead, millions more living without access to clean water or food. Riots and looting are occurring all over the island nation. It is a tragedy of the highest order, and like many of you, there is really only one reasonable question to ask: who is to blame for this?

Science is, once again, trying to hog the glory (as opposed to trying to “glory the hog”, another of their habits). They insist that it was a test demonstration of the awesome power of their new and/or ancient weapon of mass destruction, tectonic plates. But we are calling their bluff: certainly they would have had the foresight of writing a list of demands or a ransom note. If I'm not mistaken, in their circles, this is called a hypothesis. Clearly, scientists, while a nasty and noxious presence and potential threat on the horizon, they do not, in the words of my local bus driver, “have their shit together.”

Obviously, the more sensible knee-jerk reaction is to blame God. After all, the Good Book says, “In Him, all natural disasters are possible” (Amadeus 4:26-45, odd verses only). But after careful theological considerations, we, the mighty and pious Intellectual Trio, have decided that the good people of Haiti had not broken any laws, whether man's or God's. That is not to say, of course, that it is not the Haitians fault that this earthshake occurred. It is simply to say that, this act of vengeance was not from His Hands.

The French have a saying for this sort of situation: charchez la femme. Many scholars disagree, but I believe the root is High Flemish, and it roughly translates to “follow the booze.” Gamely, the Trio downed two Imperial gallons of “the good stuff,” and had an idea – what you mortals might call an epiphany, and quickly put it aside: we had to focus instead on the problem of who caused the Haitian earthshake, and when and where might they strike again.

Fully blitzed, as it were, the Trio stumbled upon the truest resource for many modern problems that seem to be beyond comprehension: the annals of history. Yes, the Trio, moaned to itself. History! And who is Haiti's greatest natural predator? None other than Napoleon Bonaparte!

A quick call to his publicist ensued. This man assured us that Napoleon had an alibi: he has been dead for nearly 200 years. However, again, in the words of our trusty bus driver, “the shit don't match the salad.” After all, Haiti was Napoleon's first major embarrassment; a former colony that successfully held off his so-called Grand-Armee and claimed their independence from the mighty French empire. Moreso, Haiti was, demographically speaking, primarily a “black” nation, and while I can't say that Napoleon is racist, I will say that he doesn't like black people. A quick and thrusting probe revealed that Napoleon, while dead for the alleged amount of years, was still wrecking havoc – in spectral form!

Yes, the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte and his phantasmal Grand Armee caused the earthshake of Haiti in retribution for their insolence before his regal might some centuries ago. And while it may be unfair that the sins of Haiti's forefathers are being visited upon their current-day kinsmen, that's the price you pay for freedom.

We cannot say for certain whether the ghost of Napoleon will strike again, but we do know that there is a pro-active solution that will insure that this sort of devastation will never happen again. Anyone familiar with the ghostly sciences know that ghosts only linger in this world because they have unfinished business. It doesn't take a rocket botanist to realize what Napoleon's unfinished business might be. In fact, I will spell it out for the few non-rocket, “common” botanists among us.

Haiti must amass an army of hundreds of thousands and conquer all of Europe. This is the only way to put to rest the soul of Napoleon and to forever cease his hauntings that have debilitated Haiti so rakishly. If you want to help the good people of Haiti restore their once proud nation, you can donate money, arms or manpower through the following links:

American Red Cross
Oxfam International
Unicef

One Small Step for Man, A Potential Planet for Intellectuals

Finally, some newsworthy news and we thought it was important for the Intellectual Trio to weigh in on this discovery. The discovery of this “super-Earth” makes the hairs on my symbolic neck burst into the Macarena. The article mentions that there will not be life similar to earth, which is quite obvious. The life on this ‘super-Earth’ will be SUPER compared to an average earthling. The intellect could possibly rival that of the Intellectual Trio! (When we were in grade school).

I, the i3O, personally welcome the thought of meeting these ‘super-earthlings’ and learning about their culture. From studying the documentary Superman, I think it is safe to say that everything on this planet is able to fly, as well as have X-ray vision. Safety is always a top concern, so I recommend stocking up on as much kryptonite as possible. While I’m sure the ‘super-earthlings’ are a peaceful kind you can never be too careful. Their advanced minds may not comprehend things like cell phones, mistaking them as some sort of pocket phaser.

Telepathy is most likely their primary source of communication, followed by a combination of Morris code and charades. Since very few of us are telepathic I would recommend brushing up on the second form of communication. Charades is difficult enough, but you really need to practice tapping out accurate Morris code with one hand while still acting out the words. Don’t worry about what other people think, they won’t be laughing when they get evaporated for responding to a text message on their pocket phaser.

With the planet being so watery, all ‘super-life’ most likely have gills. That being said the i3O would like to formally submit Kevin Costner for a Forward Thinking Award which is a combination Nobel peace prize and academy award. His character in Waterworld was the first to introduce us to humanoids with gills. Mr. Costner may not only be one of the best actor/directors of our time but may also be clairvoyant. The i3O will begin immediate research into this subject. Along with the kryptonite start stockpiling jars of dirt, the ‘super-earthlings’ will most likely trade their most prized possessions for this hot commodity. Who would have thought while everyone was worried about running out of clean water, dirt would be the intergalactic currency of the future.

The one most troubling aspect of this article is the name of this planet. GJ 1214b does not roll off the tongue. Since the Intellectual Trio is the first to really analyze the impact of this find we would like to submit the following name: “Planet Intellectual Trio”. You must admit, it is much easier to remember, and will be more accurate, once they appoint us their sovereign (simply a matter of time, logically speaking). Write to your congressperson, write to NASA, write to everyone and recommend this name before Stephen Colbert tries to get it named after him!

P.S. (For Super-Earthlings' Eyes Only):

The i3O will be glad to host a dinner party with you to share information and Christmas cookie recipes. If you want to enslave the rest of the human race, you'll find an ally in us. Just respond on our website and we can work out the details.

PPS (For Normal Earthling's Eyes Only):

If you read the above post-script, you may be alarmed. Don't worry. We are simply hoaxing these super-earthings to smoke out their true intentions. We swear that there is nothing to worry about.

PPPS (For Super-Earthling's Eyes Only Again):

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