Unsolicited Advisements: Twins, Chins & Chillin Wens

The I3O has taken it upon ourselves to give advisements to those that asked not for it.

I'm worried about my sister. She has an 18 month old so, needless to say, she has her hands full. Her and her husband just found out that she is pregnant – with twins! She's back at her full-time job (for now) and her husband barely sees his kid now he's working so much. I know they need money, and I want to help, but she won't let me. What should I do

- Jodie, Hampton, AR

Jodie,

Young families cause irreversible amounts of stress on everyone involved. You can't just be thinking of yourself. This family set-up will have adverse affects on your sister, her daughter, her husband, her twins, me, the US Government, the great state of Arkansas, Dunkin' Donuts, et al. Your sister is driving straight for the toxic dump cliff. Luckily, the I30 always knows the best detours.

Some species exercise what is called intrauterine cannibalism. In this ingenious system that Father Darwin would be pleased with, the furious impregnation of say, a tiger shark, results in multiple embryos, not different from your sister's belly-twofer. In a no-holds-barred, battle of the womb, the stronger embryo EATS the weaker one(s). Three babies magically appear, only one gets born, having gained the strength of TWO or more embryos.

Now, this practice is generally discouraged in the United States and I know exactly who to blame: China! They know that at this point, we can't compete with them on the quantity of our populace. Therefore, it is imperative that we start concentrating on the quality. And to us at the Trio, intrauterine cannibalism is cheaper and more effective at finally building the super-species that we've been leading the charge towards for centuries.

Hope that helps, Jodie. Just induce some cannibalistic tendencies in the embryos now, cause once they're born, the tangible benefits lessen considerably.

I am a 15 year old boy, indeed skinny, more than i should be, im a few kilograms under my ''ideal weight'' so im sure thats not the problem, but i have this somewhat big, and very bothersome double chin! whats going on? What can i do about it?

- Juan

Juan, you have a couple of options. The most obvious, the one you've looked into, im (sic) sure, is a chin reduction procedure. They're cheap ($15 - $20) and painless. Plan on spending about 30 minutes with a good, quality bone chisel, and a semi-licensed chinologist and you're on your way.

Granted, chinologists are rare, so perhaps you're thinking about this all wrong. See, aesthetic beauty (of which, no doubt, we are experts) isn't a matter of features so much as it is a matter of proportion. Perhaps you've heard of the Golden Mean or Golden Triangle; standards of beauty in all forms from antiquity based on proportions and named after the Intellectual Trio. Maybe your chin isn't too big, but the rest of your face, too small. I would suggest getting face implants to really step up your facial prowess.

Finally, I can't resist asking; why are you worried at all? No man has achieved anything in life without a strong and/or double chin. Of course, the Trio's visage is perfection incarnate. Embrace that which makes you powerful, learn to tap into the awesome might and glory of your double chin, and the rest will sort itself out.

wat does it mean if a friend just asks u to chill wen theyre not really doin anything??
im one of the quieter girls i dont really put myself out there and i dont like askin people to chill i like wen they ask me i dunno why but i think im losing a friend because of that..she used to call alot now we go weeks at a time of not talkin to eachother, i think shes gettin sick of always askin..she told me i never ask to chill i said i know then shes like ask to chill.
god i dont know why i do this.

-plur18

Plur18,

The fact that she wants to chill wen is a good sign for sure. Wen, of course, is the abbreviation for Wendy's Arby's Group, Inc. on the New York Stock Exchange. Since we dabble in commodities and securities exchanges, we know that to “chill” is simply to sell short. Given that neither Wendy's nor Arby's have a fast food product to compete with Taco Bell's Shrimp Tacos, they're heading for the poor house.

The real issue is that no one wants to ask people to chill, that won't ask others to chill. It's like what Mookie said, you scratch my feet, I'll scratch yours. If you want to be rich, invest in Taco Bell. If you want to be rich in friends, share your hot stock tips and make your friends rich. If you want to be rich in intellectuality, keep reading the Intellectual Trio.

3-D Television: A Quick Detour on Stupidness Lane

There has been a lot of talk recently about 3-"D" television and what it has to offer. While scholars disagree on exactly what the D stands for, the Trio is pretty certain it stands for "'D'ominating humanity into stupidness". Sure, the idea of television in 3-D sounds promising, it has revolutionized film, it will revolutionize video games, it could revive network television, but at what cost? Before you run out and buy one of these ludicrous contraptions take a close look at yourself in the mirror. But you will also increase the stupidness of the world to catastrophic levels.

How can 3-D televisions possibly lead to more stupidness in America? The Trio will outline in detail just exactly how this is going to happen as well as what future ramifications this could have on our children's 5-D grandchildren. Like Miley Cyrus once crooned, to fully understand where we are going you need to understand where we have come from. Like all stupidness this, 3-D television can be traced back to cellular telephones.

Cell phones have quickly become a lifeline for most everyone in this galaxy. This is fine, the Trio doesn't have any beef with cell phones (or any other animal meet for that matter). It was the fact that cellular telephones used their power to introduce the first phase of stupidness, that is most bothersome. I want you to think back a few years, when you first started noticing people with annoying bluetooth headsets in their ears. You remember the first time you saw them you thought "MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT THING IN THAT PERSONS EAR! ARE THEY SOME SORT OF CYBORG? THEY AREN'T A CYBORG?!?!?! WELL THEN THEY LOOK REALLY STUPID!" Not only did they continue to sell these stupid looking earpieces but their popularity grew! Soon you had more and more people running around with earpieces in, some of them simply to look important. A select super-stupid breed even had one in each ear, which does not cancel out the stupid, it grows it exponentially (see figure 1 below) Hearing aides, headphones, earmuffs, q-tips, these are all acceptable things to have in your ear. When people are putting bluetooths, that glow blue in their ears, then a certain line has been crossed. What would these people do if they were trying to escape from a rouge band of ninjas in pitch black? I can tell you what they would do, they would get their faces kicked because the ninjas would be able to follow the blinking blue beacon and know exactly where to land a Chuck Norris style roundhouse to the head!

What does this have to do with 3-D television? I asked myself the same question until we realised the answer! How do you see 3-D? Well you need a special set of glasses to see the supposed "third" dimension. This means that now people are going to be sitting around with bug eyed glasses on their face all the time. HOW STUPID IS THAT GOING TO LOOK? When 3-D glasses were styling blue and red cardboard it was one thing, but these glasses have about as much aesthetic appeal as Mo'Nique in a string bikini. The 3-D television companies know this, they are secretly just trying to make America more stupider. After all, ugly = stupid. Well the Trio is here to tell you that we are not falling for it. Figure 2 demonstrates just how high the stupid will go if 3-D television and the stupid glasses catch on. Global warming, economic crisis, Idol without Paula, even Y10K are all small potatoes compared to the apocalypse coming if this evil stupid plan succeeds.

3-D glasses do not belong in the home. Many scientists have theorized that a level of stupid above 2.5 million/per person could cause planetary implosion. (A reverse big bang, not to be confused with a little bang [to be outlined, described and solved at another time) 3-D glasses would bring the stupidness well above that level to almost 3.8 million/per person.

How do we solve this? Easy enough, 3-D contacts. If the contact-makers are in bed with the glasses manufacturers and the television lobby (a menage a trouble!), someone get Dr. and Mrs. Lasik on the phone. I want to see in 3-D all the time anyway.

figure 1)

Given: 60 = standard stupid (stpd) of a human being,
AND: earpiece (E) = 42 stpd

60 stpd + (earpiece)^# of earpieces =60 + (42)^2 = 1824 stupid

figure 2)
glasses =78 stupid

60 + (glasses * # eyes)^# dimensions

60 + (78 * 2)^3 =3796476