UnHOAXED: The Alaska Pipeline of Michigan

Given the intimidating girth of my intellect, you might doubt the feasibility of my submitting to an academic lecture. After all, you might reason, the last thing I need is to fill my brain (our planet's most valuable natural resource, renewable or otherwise) with the poorly considered drivel of lesser minds and mouths. Furthermore, you might think that my brain must be nearing its physical capacity for information storage. Surely a few more nuggets of knowledge will cause my brain matter to explode into vapor, instantly raising the IQs of anyone lucky enough to inhale the residue. Well, if that's what you're thinking, you have a lot to learn, my simple-minded friend.

On the first point, you underestimate my passion for unhoaxing the ridiculous notions of so-called experts. Exposing the falsehoods of snake oil salesmen gets my rocks off faster than looking at myself in one of the many mirrors in my house. On the second point, my brain is not bound by any natural law. Like the universe, it began with the explosion of all matter from a single point. Unlike the universe, my brain will never collapse back onto itself, destroying everything inside it.

And so it was that I recently found myself attending a lecture on the pathetic economic condition of the state of Michigan. The speaker rattled off a familiar list of factors allegedly contributing to Michigan's crappiness: the shrinkage and near collapse of the American automotive sector; the exodus of college-educated workers to more prosperous cities than Detroit; and the state's substantial divestment in K-12 education, a dreary indicator of things to come. As I listened, I started thinking about how brilliant I am. I pondered that reality for the rest of the lecture. After the speaker concluded, people began filing out of the building, but I remained immobile, entranced by my own intellectual prowess. I didn't move, sleep, eat, defacate, or even blink for weeks. I was terrified by the awesome powers of my own mind. It was truly a humbling experience; an intimate encounter with greatness.

Weeks later, I remembered what I had heard at the lecture. So many convenient explanations for Michigan's meteoric rise to the top of the world's shitlist. That's when it hit me: when everyone agrees, something is wrong, because some people are idiots, and idiots rarely get things right. I started wondering what really lies at the heart of Michigan's struggles. Who benefits from the smoke screen created by conventional theories about jobs, industries, and macroeconomic shifts that were decades in the making? Once I tell you, you'll kick yourself for being such a moron. Who is really to blame for Michigan's woes?

Tim Allen, the only real economic engine Michigan has ever known. (Sorry, Henry Ford.) Before you laugh at me -- which I do NOT recommend -- consider this: Tim Allen's hilarious sitcom "Home Improvement" was set in Detroit. The series ran from 1991 until 1999, when Detroit was widely regarded as the Paris of the Midwest. I remember it well, since I remember everything well. The streets were paved with gold, money grew on special trees (called "money trees" informally, though the scientific term was considerably more complex), and Detroiters were the envy of the world.

"Home Improvement" beamed visions of this utopia to every man, woman, child, and neer-do-well with a television set. Detroit became synonymous with the American dream: a house full of gay sons, Pamela Anderson's boobs slapping you in the face every time you turn around at work, and neighborly Wilson just over the fence solving all your problems (except the problem of wanting to see his face and never being able to!). Tragically, like Leonardo DiCaprio's prized beach depicted in the movie "The Beach," Detroit's perfection could not survive the curiosity of outsiders. Also like Leonardo DiCaprio in "The Beach," many of Detroit's residents turned to hallucinogenic video game fantasies to escape reality once they realized their good fortune would not last.

By 2000, "Home Improvement" had come to an end, and Detroit's luck had run out. American scientists discovered that SUVs caused a lethal combination of cancer, AIDS, and ebola. Japanese automaker Toyota began promising seventy-two virgins to everyone who bought a Prius. As domestic automakers struggled, Michigan's unemployment rate skyrocketed, and anxious residents looted major cities in their state, stripping gold from the streets and harvesting the prized money trees to make toilet paper. The proverbial well ran dry, and Tim Allen slithered back into his mansion like a snake, content to live the rest of his life on his "Home Improvement" earnings. Or so it seemed to the short-sighted pundits who are not me.

I saw the bigger picture. I recognized that as Tim Allen goes, so goes Michigan. Every time he makes a movie, he injects enough money into the Michigan economy to sustain entire cities for decades. In 2004, he starred in "Christmas With The Kranks," a hilarious holiday romp boasting a 5% approval rating on RottenTomatoes.com. That summer, the Detroit Pistons won their first NBA Championship in 14 years. What's the connection, you ask? I knew you would need me to connect the dots. Tim Allen gave the Pistons hope. Tim Allen is synonymous with Detroit. When the world sees him lighting up the silver screen with his dashing good looks and his Midwest charm, they say to themselves, "Whatever happened to that city on a hill, that bastion of hope, civility, and riches? Flint, Michigan!" Then they think of Detroit, which lives on in the dreams of ordinary Americans who yearn for a better place to call home, a better place to pretend that things will get better, as long as global warming kicks in and makes Michigan a tropical oasis.

And so this story ends on an optimistic note, since Tim Allen is certainly not done producing high-quality entertainment. Next year promises the release of "Toy Story 3." 2011's "Wild Hogs 2: Bachelor Ride" is sure to sell out theaters nationwide and breathe new life into a state still yearning for a handout from its biggest stars. We may have spilled the seeds to the money tree, but we've learned our lesson, and we have our eyes on a bigger prize now. Bring us your seed, Tim Allen. We won't waste a drop.

The Intellectual Trio: An Introduction

Lately, there have been some rumblings about the e-campfires about who and what the Intellectual Trio actually is and are not. We would, accordingly, like to take this opportunity to introduce myself. First, let me put some rumors to bed, with the lights down low, bullet-point style.

• Second of all, we were not the final catalyst for the falling of the Berlin Wall, as far as you know.


• Yes, we are a trio, so naturally, we consist of four separate yet equal voices, minds and, sometimes, sexual organs.


• Yes, we invented time, timekeeping, time travel, Time magazine, and pop-funk 80's sensation, The Time. We are not responsible for the herb and erstwhile aphrodisiac, thyme.

The Intellectual Trio is basically the most critical thinker, supreme arbiter, and, above all, brilliant Intellectual in the game today. If you want to imagine King Solomon without diabetes, Leonardo di Vinci with diabetes, and Albert Einstein with a luscious mustache and monocle, all combined in Prometheus' body (with additional musculature and sexual puissance), presto! The Intellectual Trio.

Our mission is, like all good and decent ones, a simple quest: to spread amongst the world a gospel of Truth and Intellectualism. This may surprise you as you sit in front of your computing machine, but the world has many problems. While the Onion might report the news, and Stephen Colbert comments on the news, we are here to solve the news, once and for all. Our ratiocination is in peak form, our intellectual gonads fully matured, and we are not messing around. And, if you care about anything, you shouldn't either.

There was a time when all one need do to spread intellectiveness was learn how to read and not stick you head in various animals. Surely, there were the Deceivers, out to promote democracy, religion, science and a host of other social and unintellectual ills. For epochs, those yokels were identifiable by their fat faces and soft brains (we know this, because we were there. Duh). How long is an epoch? Only the Trio knows for sure. Now, the enemy isn't so easy to spot. It could be you. The only way to know is to relinquish yourself to be bathed in our effervescent and zealous urine of discernment and holy wisdom and help us fight the battle of Intellectuality.

This is the only place on the Internet that will make you more intellectual. In summation, you're welcome.

Profiles in Intellectualism: Hines Ward

Excepting basket-ball, sports are a charming pastime for the Intellectual mind. And despite the incongruity of the name, American-style football is a particularly beloved spectacle. Full of rich and colorful uniforms and characters alike, football has become one of the most popular sports in the country (and, indeed, the Milky Way). And while many of these massive humans, justly rewarded with diamonds and facial hair, have “spoken their mind” over the years against injustice and homosexual witch-huntery, few men (and men alone, for women are appropriately barred from such a manly contest of wearing spandex capri pants and hugging each other to the ground) have spoken with the eloquence of Hines Ward.

Though Hines Ward plays in Heinz Field (talk about home-field advantage!), he has no connection to the Heinz family fortune... yet. But given some statements this week, we can safely conclude that he essentially called teammate and Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger a sissy-pants. Roethlisberger was concussed in a contest the week prior. Doctors foolishly noted post-concussive symptoms and disallowed the evil young quarterback from playing in the following meet. But Hines Ward saw right through that.

Ward remarked, “You either play and jeopardize your future, or you sit out and worry about the big picture.” In this case, the big picture is surely the Autotriopic Documentary, whose movie rights are currently available. Suffice it to say, Ward and the rest of the Steelers lost the game without their surely dizzy quarterback, putting their chances at gaining entrance to the play-offs slightly lower. The whole mess is clearly Roethlisberger's fault, who has sustained four head injuries in his short professional career, and certainly should be used to it by now.

Ward went on to explain how he can pass judgment on the very quarterback whose sinister and weak play has led the both of them to two Super Bowl titles over the past four years. Mr. Ward has claimed that when he was hurt, he lied to his doctors so that they may clear him to play – despite his injuries! Here at the Intellectuarium, we can do little but shake our heads – in excitement! Long have we waited for someone as Intellectual as us (well, almost); one who has the ability to take the phrase “mind over matter”, and put it to good use! For someone to hoodwink their own physical state using nothing more than his giant Intellective processes, well, you may color us Impressed (actually, a shade of Light Impressed).

Hines Ward has long engendered a reputation by sports writers as a “gamer”, a receiver who blocks when it is appropriate to block, and so forth. This is no small feat, as sports writers and commentators, fickle though they can be, are some of the wisest in the land. For a physical specimen like Hines Ward to push around another human being of equal or lesser size fifteen to twenty times for five to ten seconds at a time requires unimaginable grit and “love of the game”. I can scarcely imagine what a tongue-humping Ward will get from the sports scribes now that he has tricked his body into a non-injurious state.

As for Roethlisberger, I believe it is clear now that he only has one option: indiscriminately murder all of the doctors on staff for the Pittsburgh Steelers and replace them with a bunch of highly paid stooges with little integrity - the sort of yes men a personage of import a quarterback ought to have. See, the quarterback is the king of the fiefdom that is a football team, and if Roethlisberger isn't prepared to put his meaningless future health at risk for the glory at hand, well, the peasants are rising. And it isn't as if there isn't a potential dictator waiting in the wings. A quick look at the roster reveals one such player with tyrant-quarterback experience in college: Hines Ward!

It is clear now that Hines Ward is plotting a vicious coup on the despotic Roethlisberger and his ineffective court of doctors and medicine men. Well, he has the Trio's full endorsement. After all, this isn't politics or warfare, it's football. And football is the most important thing of all. Besides the Intellectual Trio, of course.

The New York Times had a surprising intellectative take on the Ward saga:

But Ward was stuck in the same refrain, about how he had lied to doctors and played with concussions, and survived. Again, Ward insisted, he was not questioning anybody’s toughness, not judging another man. Here was Ward, wrestling with concussions, debating no one except himself.

Wrestling medical conditions? Debating no one except himself? Intellectual moves any day of the month! Huzzah, Mr. Ward!

Intellectual "Up-to-Date": Hines Ward has since "apologized" to Mr. Ben Roethlisberger, claiming he did not "have all of the information." Sure, Mr. Ward. This reminds us of the old adage: keep your friends close, and your enemies full of apologies - and, after a while, gut them and take their empire. Well played, indeed.

Have an Intellectual worthy of a Profile? E-Mail us, theintellectualtrio@gmail.com: festina lente!

Damn the Future; Protect the Large Hardon Collider

It is with high hopes, and an even higher midiclorian count that I offer this great news. After a spectacularly unproductive hiatus, it appears the most American actor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, will be able to return to the documentary film series that he helped spawn. ‘Terminator’ will once again have its lead actor and continue to tell the story of how Skynet comes to power and attempts to eliminate the human race with time travel, robots, explosions and elaborate chase scenes. Coincidentally, this is how the Intellectual Trio wins the 2024 Presidential campaign.

‘An Inconvenient Truce’, ‘Grizzlymen’, and other such H(b)ollywood rubbish have hogged the documentary spotlight for years. Finally we can get back to our roots! Other than the ‘Matrices’, the ‘Terminator’ franchise has been the only series of films to really show us what the future holds.

And in just the “Nick of Thyme” as well – for the future is now pressing upon our face; it's sickly sweet breath dizzying the heart. Apparently Skynet has learned about the said documentaries and sent prehistoric birds back in time to sabotage our scientific conquest. Why would prehistoric birds be sent back in time you ask? Well as Doc Brown would tell you, it has everything to do with the flux capacitor. According to their future tweets, the cyborgs from the future have tried to throw us off the trail. Clearly they don’t understand that the i3O has not followed a trail since the Oregonian in elementary school computer's class (that would be the classes taught by computers, not classes for the learning of computer wrangling).

Rather than sending one of the future Seajays (a hybrid of Seagull, Pigeon, and Blue Jay, known for exceptional resilience, large volume of excrement, and brilliant neon blue color) they were able to achieve 88 mph with 1.21 jiggawats of power to travel back in time to the dino days, birdnap a native bird, return to 2009 and in turn, set it loose with a clear mission. If this story doesn’t startle you to action, then I am afraid nothing will- and we're afraid of nothing.

I encourage every global citizen to re-watch T 1-3 (maybe even that one with the new Batman if you really have a lot of time) and prepare for the worst. Right now it is just prehistoric birds trying to upset the Large Hardon Collider, but soon enough we will have T-Rexes running rampant in our favorite theme parks. Trying to outrun a dinosaur while eating a corndog and drinking a large lemonade is difficult for almost anyone (except us). What I have learned is to not trust computers. While they seem helpful it is only a matter of time before they turn against you and no longer let you update your status on FB, or check out the fan page for the Intellectual Trio (that you are all part of….right????)

The solution that I recommend is to begin searching remote fields and biker bars. Look for the largest, mostly nude man riding a motorcycle and tell him your name is John Conner. No matter what happens it will turn into one of the most unique experiences of your life. A shotgun may be effective against prehistoric science sabotaging birds sent from the future, but you’ll need a lot more than that to stop a liquid metal/aluminum/steel shapeshifter from the year 3000, let alone a T-rex.

No matter what happens I personally am glad to hear that the Governator will be able to resume his roll and show us how to really prepare for the future! I always believed him when he said he’d be back!

Profiles in Intellectualism: Space Cadet Lisa Marie Nowak

My fellow intellectuals, it is time we clear our collective throat and bellow out a mighty harrumph in the name of democracy! Look at the facts of this case, two astronauts and an Air Force captain in some sort of inter-orbit love obtuse triangle. Throw in the Navy, NASA, and the court system and there is more bureaucracy involved than at an Intellectual Trio dinner party!

“Allegedly," and with great Gusto, Cadet Nowak, a NASA something or other, drove from one place to another, wearing nothing but the finest diapers, to dress up (sources say it was not Hallow's Eve) and attack the woman who stole her man. This sort of gumption is sorely lacking today, a dubious feather in ol' Uncle Penal Code's cap. Her sentencing amounted to a year of probation and some hours of community service, or as we Intellectuals like to say, an extra crispy In and Out Justice Burger. And while we're no legal scholars, her sentence may or may not fit the crime. But that is not the tickle from this story's feather we're worried about.

We all know it was said best “all you need is love..hurts”. No truer words have been spoken, except every word that I have ever spoken. There are a few issues in this case that bother me, and in turn should bother you. First of which is the common courtesy of understanding the hierarchy of relationships. Everyone knows that being an Air Force captain is a very noble position. (The i3O thanks all of the troops of this great landmass). Being an Astronaut though, is literally in a different world. An Astronaut mind works differently than the mind of an average earthling. They don’t worry about trivial things like gravity, hydrated milks, or global warming.

Thirdly is the issue of why this story received so much attention. Space cadet Lisa Marie Nowak driving from Texas to Florida to attack Capt. Colleen Shipman, the current squeeze of Nowak’s spaceman ex is so far fetched? You wouldn’t do the same for your significant other? How dare you call yourself a lover, or a fighter for that matter! Wearing diapers to reduce the frequency of pit stops? Babies do it all the time without ridicule, yet this woman is chastised and turned into the soiled butt of countless lame jokes! If you want to hate babies then be my guest, but know there is plenty of room at Gitmo. If there is one thing the Patriot Act supports it is not making fun of babies.

Secondly, and finally, why would this astronaut attack an Air Force pilot at an AIRPORT! Airports are Air Force turf, you might as well have attacked her at 20,000 feet on the wing of a 737 (This is not advised as the wind speed makes it extremely difficult to properly attack with any ninja weapon). Although this cannot be confirmed, it is believed the initial plan was for Ms. Nowak to lure Captain Shipman to Disneyworld. Once at Disneyworld, Nowak would attack Shipman while on Space Mountain to keep the home field advantage herself. A more Intellective ruse hast ne'er-fore been cogitated. Sadly, due to the extremely long drive, partnered with the diaper rash, temporary insanity precipitated Ms. Nowak's belief the airport was in fact, Space Mountain.

So huzzah, Cadet Nowak, for following your heart. The heart, after all, is the organ from which Intellectuality comes from, not the brain (you mindless drones), which, obviously, houses the soul, or at least, what's left of it. After all, what is the crime here? Besides assault? When the day comes wherein a young lady can't stalk and attack the beau of the man she loves, or at least, likes, even if... the feelings weren't reciprocated, I hope that day will be a Thursday, which at our Intellectuarium, we've taken to calling Inside-Out Thursday. It's time we took a long Intellectual look in our looking glasses, gentlemen. A long look in-deed.

In all seriousness, The Intellectual Trio is glad no one was seriously injured. We have all learned to not date anyone from outer space and I hope that everyone can move on with their lives. I wish the best to the happy couple…whoever it turns out to be. Also please note that the i3O does not endorse; stalking, felonies, misdemeanors, crimes of passion, crime in general, being pro or con baby, driving from Texas to Florida in a diaper, or passing judgment on the legal system. We do endorse ourselves, support of the troops, and the grand old United States of America!

UnHOAXED! - Y2K not a Real Thing

After a decade of continuous research, The Intellectual Trio has concluded that the effect of ‘Year 2000 Kill-o-cide” or “Y2K”, was minimal at most. Most major ‘news outlets’ prematurely rushed to this conclusion on 1/1/2000, but the Intellectual Trio is thorough in all aspects of life. We simply don’t throw wild claims into society without solid evidence to support it. Many so called experts are projecting who will win the 2010 Super bowl, but the Intellectual Trio knows for a fact that can’t be predicted. However, the London Knights will win the 2015 Super Bowl; that's right, international expansion.

To fully understand the significance of this news, it is imperative that you have the background on what Y2K was believed to be. To gain a proper understanding, we must travel back ten years to the previous millennium. A time of beepers, Justin Timbenlake when he was still a part of that Upstreet Heat cover band, the birth of the 1 GHz CPU, Windows XP, and Vanilla Ice. Somehow, some way, out of somewhere the idea of Y2K was pushed into the public sector. Y2K blew up quicker than Kanye West at an awards show.

Y2K was the binary nuclear bomb that would blow 1’s and 0’s so far off the information superhighway that MapQuest wouldn’t even be able to find them. Once the clock hit midnight on New Year's Eve, computers would reset to 1900 (that's the year, try to keep up...) rendering them completely useless. Cell phones would instantaneously cease to work as their technologically advanced microprocessors vanished into thin air. For any chance at communication, people would be forced to embrace the harmonic telegraph network of Alex Bell’s wildest fantasy. Robots would go on strike, obliterating the Taft-Hartley Act. Vehicles would only be useful with a Flinstonian modification - removing the floor boards allowing occupants to provide power themselves. Of course vehicle propulsion by feet is practical for anyone in tropical climates, but navigating black ice on foot? As they say in foggy London, forget about it.

There was also immense mental stress associated with Y2K. People were facing fears they hoped no generation would ever have to. Would Ross and Rachel end up together? What does 'is” really mean? What happens at the end of Final Fantasy VIII? When will the Dow hit 100,000 points? Is the Cold War REALLY over? These are just a few of the horrible mysteries that would fade into the eternal unknown.

The same “media” that created this beast was also quick to slay it. Once it was realized instantaneous global tragedy was not going to occur, they began reporting how it was averted. Supposedly computer programmers had spent previous months “updating code”, “creating solutions”, “engineering alternatives” and all sorts of techno mumbo jumbo. Most likely this means they were crossing their fingers and hoping for the best while staying up all hours of the night to complete Final Fantasy VIII. But did they? That is, both, did they complete Final Fantasy VIII and did they avert Y2K?

Our conclusion: Yes, at least with Y2K. That's right folks, you can know safely leave our bomb shelter. Just remember that you heard it here first: Y2K was a hoax from the computer geeks to get them on TV, that vile strumpet of a medium. Little did they know at the time, all you had to do was debase yourself (vide: reality TV). Of course, reality TV (or “television”) was in its nascent, and dare I say, crescent phase. Don't worry, Y2K's moon has set.

But there is an important issue of issued importance that needs to be addressed and soon. You thought this whole time we were discussing Y2K, we were looking back? Ha! It's a look forward (never underestimate the Tr3o). That's right, we're safe with Y2K, because Y2K wasn't the real Y2K – the really real Y2K is... drum roll, please... Y10K. I mean, that's Y2K times five or six, and what's worse – no one is talking about this!

If you need proof then simply ask your “elected official”, what steps are being taken to prepare for Y10K. They will most likely laugh you off, and question your sincerity, or sanity. While I question our sanity daily, how dare they question our sincerity! Why would an official react like this? It is obvious; they have no idea how to prepare! The previous ‘solutions’ may keep us safe for another 8990 years, but once Y10K hits, it is every intellectual for themselves! Explain that to your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandchildren's great grandchildren's children. Yeah, good luck.

(On another related note…The Intellectual Trio is willing to start extensive research into the Y10K problem. For a small $376 million grant, we can begin immediate investigation within the next two to three decades. Please contact us with any proposals.)

UnHOAXED! – Ocean Creation the Work of Secret Conglomerate

My fellow readers, the Intellectual Trio is once again working on your behalf. This concerns every single person in the WORLD, and not just the rich or the beautiful human people. This should immediately be translated to all global languages; while I know all of them (by heart), I simply don’t have the time to do all the legwork myself. According to the ‘news’ there is a new ocean forming in an African desert.

Something smells a little fishy about this story (and it's not the fish LOL!) and the Intellectual Trio needed to get to the bottom of it (and not because we were hungry). As usual it only takes a logical mind, and complete understanding of all universal powers to figure out what is really going on. No doubt there is another ocean forming, but what we need to figure out is: what is behind this development? Is it that overbearing, controlling Mommy Nature? Perhaps it is divine intervention? Could it be like the article above says; could that Scarlet Harlot, Science, be behind this? Magma, volcanoes, tectonic plates, a million years... these are great plot points for an unauthorized Trio Biopic (Triopic), but they don’t have anything to do with creating an ocean. I mean, come on boys and girls, there's no water in lava! What do I have to do here?!

The real culprits of this ecological miracle make up a secret conglomerate that has embedded themselves so deeply in our society that we would be lost without them, literally (“literally”:foreshadowing joke ;-]). Illuminati? Casa Nostra? The Masons? Those assholes are like the tree house clubs you couldn't get into when you were six (you still can't, by the way). The real power behind this new ocean isn’t science, nature, or an ancient sun god: it is the Federation of International cartography (FIC) and FIC ain't no joke. Here at the Intellectuarium, we've been expecting this for a while; this group needs something to boost sales and flex their geographic bicep one more time. This is the biggest news in the map-making industry in at least a decade.

Don’t think that the FIC did this alone; those prissy dunces don't like to get their hands dirty. A project of this caliber would require the help of another group, at the very least, to bring on a fall guy. To fully understand this we simply need to look at history to figure out who their accomplices are. It is common knowledge (for the Intellectual Trio) that the fall of the USSR was engineered by the federation of map makers with the help of GM and African militias. Turning Hawaii into a state? Once again this was the work of the map-makers, this time partnering with the International Pineapple Mercenary Commission.

Don’t bother trying to look any of these groups up; they are so confidential that their own members don’t even know they exist. A job of this magnitude requires the efforts of multiple parties. The map-makers have a history of liaising with military groups so obviously various global navies are involved. The icing on this seaweed cake is the support of the Intergalaxy Cruise Line Association. What would another ocean provide? A new body of water which will allow a new destination for gloriously exotic cruises. More cruise ships will require a navy to protect them from hostile pirates, not to mention a boon for the always contracting piracy industry (Trickle-down oceaniconomics; Reagan was a genius!). One plus one equals three, and BINGO, you have the i3O.

How could the cartographers have so much power you ask? That is rather ‘elementary’. Maps have infiltrated their way into every school in every part of the world. The FIC have brainwashed society into believing that without their maps(vide: Global Positing Synergies), we would be lost . Well I don’t need a map to tell me I am lost - I know that every time I get up in the morning!

So what can we do to stop these FIC-faces? Sadly, nothing. But wait! An ocean means more waterfront property – good thing I3O is the third largest private landholder of the Sahara Desert (as well as proud co-proprietor of the Brooklyn Bridge). Can I get a “Cha-ching! This is an investment that would make that sissy Warren Buffer puke on his moccasins.

The sole purpose of this article, and all UnHoaxed! writings, is to demonstrate that you as a reader should never take things at face value. The Intellectual Trio promises to do the best I can to provide the truthiness as quickly as possible. If you come across something that creates a lump in your caw, benign or otherwise, then please let us know. No matter what it takes, we will get to the bottom of it (“it” referring to both the “something” you might “come across” as well as your “caw”. Obviously)!

UnHOAXED! Balloon Boy - Special Double Unhoaxed Edition!

Attn: World

Subject: Breaking news development

After extensive research and hypothesizing, new information has come to light regarding the Balloon Boy "hoax" that we all apparently fell victim to. Someone with the intellectual caliber of ours could not possibly believe the nonsense that a Falcon, posing as a boy, supposedly floated away in a giant UFO, even in the good name of the sacred art of Meteorology. Only later was it known to the masses that it was yet another in a string of crass and ugly attention demanding publicity stunts, like Kathy Griffin or the Noble Price. And with that knowledge, the great people of the Unity States upchucked like a woodchuck would (if a woodchuck could upchuck).

This story has not sat right with me since I first heard it come across my fiber-optic ticker tape. With great analysis and care, I have uncovered the truth beneath the "hoax". Actually, that's not true. I did not uncover the truth with great analysis and care. I did it with one brain tied behind my rucksack. I will say this: whoever has fallen for the "hoax" that this was indeed a "hoax" needs to get ready to have their figurative socks blown up, literally.

The Intellectual Trio has uncovered indisputable and undefinable evidence that this "Balloon Boy" stunt was actually the work of a group far more menacing, more conniving, then the master mind who began the cookie selling pyramid scheme at the Chief Connection. The first clue is in the tagline that the media has adopted: Balloon Boy. Let that sink in a moment. Isn't it plain to see?

Balloon Boy is our culprit, the initials of which are BB. What famous film had those same initials? That is right: the "Blues Brothers". The star of the "Blues Brothers”? None other then John Belushi. The cause of John Belushi's death? Drugs. Take a nanosecond and put the few over-sized foam jigsaw pieces together yourself; what is this kindergarten? You wish!

This was not about craving attention, or the desire for a reality TV show (speaking of, call us whenever you want, TLC, we're ready). This family had actually built a prototype for a weather balloon shaped rocket that could fly drugs to the moon. That's right. Moon shot, eight ball style.

The moon is a largely untapped market for drug dealers. Very few people have found a cost effective way to shuttle narcotics to residents of the moon, notably Mark Cuban. Some people think there is not a large demand for drugs on the moon, but I, the Intellectual Trio know for a FACT that if you build it, they will come. This evidence may not seem concrete at first. But what is concrete made of? Many small bits of rock and sand, with magic to hold it all together. Clearly.

I am sure that eventually more mainstream news outlets will pick up this story and run, nay, sprint with it. Just remember that with this, and with all of our information, you will not hear it anywhere before you hear it from the I3O.