Profiles In Intellectualism: Ray Nagin, Mayor of New Orleans

This weekend represents so much to Americans all over America. For once Friday and Saturday pale in comparison to what Sunday brings. People throw caution to the wind, even though the wind couldn't catch a slant pass if it lined up in the slot while the defense blitzed weak side. These morons look forward to staying up far too late, eating too much, drinking too much, and feeling like garbage when the alarm goes off on Monday morning - pretty similar to the regular weekly Intellectuarium happenings. The Super Bowl is a sporting event with no comparison. Well, it's sort of like Golf's Masters, without being totally boring. Or maybe it’s like Game 7 of the NBA Playoffs, except played with a football instead of basketball. Or like the final game of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, except it will always occur on a Sunday! And the World Series isn't a sport (unless you're talking "- of Poker"). The Super Bowl of the NFL is like no other sporting event on Earth, or any other Earth for that matter.


Alleged mayor of New Orleans, Ray Nagin, seems to fully understand the importance of this game, what it really represents, and demonstrates a solid understanding of numerology. This article can be referenced for more details. The Intellectual Trio has always looked at numerology as being the most accurate of the -ologies. (What has biology taught us that we didn’t already know from 10th grade biology?) Our unending wit and brainpower, along with a TI-82 calculator and in depth analysis of numerology have led the Intellectual Trio to correctly pick the winning numbers for 798 of the last 799 lottery drawings. (Our only inaccuracy was for the North Dakota Hot Lotto, which further proves North Dakota may in fact be some sort of South Dakotan Landfill.) Mr. Nagin’s quote about the importance of four leading to a Saint’s victory is something students will be writing theses on for years. These theses will be completely and totally important, and read by many people. You may have heard that three is a divine number but as the Intellectual Trio demonstrates, four is the ultimate power number, vide this life-altering equation: 4=3=1. The i3O would not want to give away the outcome of this Super game and blow the Vegas sportsbook line so we will let you see how it plays out for yourself, but understand our prediction will prove 100% true, no matter the outcome.


Beyond the mayor's numerology expertise, he also goes on to predict what will happen after a Saints victory. The celebration will be an all out bender with mass consumption of all forms of alcohol known to man, and a few that aren’t. What he doesn’t say, but can be predicted is that if the Saints do not win this game there will probably be an all out bender with mass consumption of all forms of alcohol known to man, and a few that aren’t. We are talking about New Orleans, in the middle of Mardi Gras (French for "show us your taters"). In any event, it will be a scene that can only be rivaled by the i3O's daily lunch hour.


If more mayors were this honest, I think you would see a new found respect for all elected officials. If there is going to be political reform in this country, we think Ray Nagin is going to be the man that puts it into action. Hurricanes can’t stop him, the Super Bowl can’t stop him, not even Kanye West can interupt him! This man is unflappable. In fact, when you people name us King and Ultimate Sovereign of these Untied States, you will see Mr. Nagin sitting proudly, back straight, some four rows behind us (which would be three rows behind Cheri O'Teri and Teri Hatcher (co-Secretaries of National Teri-ism).

UnHOAXED! - Y2K not a Real Thing

After a decade of continuous research, The Intellectual Trio has concluded that the effect of ‘Year 2000 Kill-o-cide” or “Y2K”, was minimal at most. Most major ‘news outlets’ prematurely rushed to this conclusion on 1/1/2000, but the Intellectual Trio is thorough in all aspects of life. We simply don’t throw wild claims into society without solid evidence to support it. Many so called experts are projecting who will win the 2010 Super bowl, but the Intellectual Trio knows for a fact that can’t be predicted. However, the London Knights will win the 2015 Super Bowl; that's right, international expansion.

To fully understand the significance of this news, it is imperative that you have the background on what Y2K was believed to be. To gain a proper understanding, we must travel back ten years to the previous millennium. A time of beepers, Justin Timbenlake when he was still a part of that Upstreet Heat cover band, the birth of the 1 GHz CPU, Windows XP, and Vanilla Ice. Somehow, some way, out of somewhere the idea of Y2K was pushed into the public sector. Y2K blew up quicker than Kanye West at an awards show.

Y2K was the binary nuclear bomb that would blow 1’s and 0’s so far off the information superhighway that MapQuest wouldn’t even be able to find them. Once the clock hit midnight on New Year's Eve, computers would reset to 1900 (that's the year, try to keep up...) rendering them completely useless. Cell phones would instantaneously cease to work as their technologically advanced microprocessors vanished into thin air. For any chance at communication, people would be forced to embrace the harmonic telegraph network of Alex Bell’s wildest fantasy. Robots would go on strike, obliterating the Taft-Hartley Act. Vehicles would only be useful with a Flinstonian modification - removing the floor boards allowing occupants to provide power themselves. Of course vehicle propulsion by feet is practical for anyone in tropical climates, but navigating black ice on foot? As they say in foggy London, forget about it.

There was also immense mental stress associated with Y2K. People were facing fears they hoped no generation would ever have to. Would Ross and Rachel end up together? What does 'is” really mean? What happens at the end of Final Fantasy VIII? When will the Dow hit 100,000 points? Is the Cold War REALLY over? These are just a few of the horrible mysteries that would fade into the eternal unknown.

The same “media” that created this beast was also quick to slay it. Once it was realized instantaneous global tragedy was not going to occur, they began reporting how it was averted. Supposedly computer programmers had spent previous months “updating code”, “creating solutions”, “engineering alternatives” and all sorts of techno mumbo jumbo. Most likely this means they were crossing their fingers and hoping for the best while staying up all hours of the night to complete Final Fantasy VIII. But did they? That is, both, did they complete Final Fantasy VIII and did they avert Y2K?

Our conclusion: Yes, at least with Y2K. That's right folks, you can know safely leave our bomb shelter. Just remember that you heard it here first: Y2K was a hoax from the computer geeks to get them on TV, that vile strumpet of a medium. Little did they know at the time, all you had to do was debase yourself (vide: reality TV). Of course, reality TV (or “television”) was in its nascent, and dare I say, crescent phase. Don't worry, Y2K's moon has set.

But there is an important issue of issued importance that needs to be addressed and soon. You thought this whole time we were discussing Y2K, we were looking back? Ha! It's a look forward (never underestimate the Tr3o). That's right, we're safe with Y2K, because Y2K wasn't the real Y2K – the really real Y2K is... drum roll, please... Y10K. I mean, that's Y2K times five or six, and what's worse – no one is talking about this!

If you need proof then simply ask your “elected official”, what steps are being taken to prepare for Y10K. They will most likely laugh you off, and question your sincerity, or sanity. While I question our sanity daily, how dare they question our sincerity! Why would an official react like this? It is obvious; they have no idea how to prepare! The previous ‘solutions’ may keep us safe for another 8990 years, but once Y10K hits, it is every intellectual for themselves! Explain that to your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandchildren's great grandchildren's children. Yeah, good luck.

(On another related note…The Intellectual Trio is willing to start extensive research into the Y10K problem. For a small $376 million grant, we can begin immediate investigation within the next two to three decades. Please contact us with any proposals.)