Damn the Future; Protect the Large Hardon Collider

It is with high hopes, and an even higher midiclorian count that I offer this great news. After a spectacularly unproductive hiatus, it appears the most American actor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, will be able to return to the documentary film series that he helped spawn. ‘Terminator’ will once again have its lead actor and continue to tell the story of how Skynet comes to power and attempts to eliminate the human race with time travel, robots, explosions and elaborate chase scenes. Coincidentally, this is how the Intellectual Trio wins the 2024 Presidential campaign.

‘An Inconvenient Truce’, ‘Grizzlymen’, and other such H(b)ollywood rubbish have hogged the documentary spotlight for years. Finally we can get back to our roots! Other than the ‘Matrices’, the ‘Terminator’ franchise has been the only series of films to really show us what the future holds.

And in just the “Nick of Thyme” as well – for the future is now pressing upon our face; it's sickly sweet breath dizzying the heart. Apparently Skynet has learned about the said documentaries and sent prehistoric birds back in time to sabotage our scientific conquest. Why would prehistoric birds be sent back in time you ask? Well as Doc Brown would tell you, it has everything to do with the flux capacitor. According to their future tweets, the cyborgs from the future have tried to throw us off the trail. Clearly they don’t understand that the i3O has not followed a trail since the Oregonian in elementary school computer's class (that would be the classes taught by computers, not classes for the learning of computer wrangling).

Rather than sending one of the future Seajays (a hybrid of Seagull, Pigeon, and Blue Jay, known for exceptional resilience, large volume of excrement, and brilliant neon blue color) they were able to achieve 88 mph with 1.21 jiggawats of power to travel back in time to the dino days, birdnap a native bird, return to 2009 and in turn, set it loose with a clear mission. If this story doesn’t startle you to action, then I am afraid nothing will- and we're afraid of nothing.

I encourage every global citizen to re-watch T 1-3 (maybe even that one with the new Batman if you really have a lot of time) and prepare for the worst. Right now it is just prehistoric birds trying to upset the Large Hardon Collider, but soon enough we will have T-Rexes running rampant in our favorite theme parks. Trying to outrun a dinosaur while eating a corndog and drinking a large lemonade is difficult for almost anyone (except us). What I have learned is to not trust computers. While they seem helpful it is only a matter of time before they turn against you and no longer let you update your status on FB, or check out the fan page for the Intellectual Trio (that you are all part of….right????)

The solution that I recommend is to begin searching remote fields and biker bars. Look for the largest, mostly nude man riding a motorcycle and tell him your name is John Conner. No matter what happens it will turn into one of the most unique experiences of your life. A shotgun may be effective against prehistoric science sabotaging birds sent from the future, but you’ll need a lot more than that to stop a liquid metal/aluminum/steel shapeshifter from the year 3000, let alone a T-rex.

No matter what happens I personally am glad to hear that the Governator will be able to resume his roll and show us how to really prepare for the future! I always believed him when he said he’d be back!

Profiles in Intellectualism: Space Cadet Lisa Marie Nowak

My fellow intellectuals, it is time we clear our collective throat and bellow out a mighty harrumph in the name of democracy! Look at the facts of this case, two astronauts and an Air Force captain in some sort of inter-orbit love obtuse triangle. Throw in the Navy, NASA, and the court system and there is more bureaucracy involved than at an Intellectual Trio dinner party!

“Allegedly," and with great Gusto, Cadet Nowak, a NASA something or other, drove from one place to another, wearing nothing but the finest diapers, to dress up (sources say it was not Hallow's Eve) and attack the woman who stole her man. This sort of gumption is sorely lacking today, a dubious feather in ol' Uncle Penal Code's cap. Her sentencing amounted to a year of probation and some hours of community service, or as we Intellectuals like to say, an extra crispy In and Out Justice Burger. And while we're no legal scholars, her sentence may or may not fit the crime. But that is not the tickle from this story's feather we're worried about.

We all know it was said best “all you need is love..hurts”. No truer words have been spoken, except every word that I have ever spoken. There are a few issues in this case that bother me, and in turn should bother you. First of which is the common courtesy of understanding the hierarchy of relationships. Everyone knows that being an Air Force captain is a very noble position. (The i3O thanks all of the troops of this great landmass). Being an Astronaut though, is literally in a different world. An Astronaut mind works differently than the mind of an average earthling. They don’t worry about trivial things like gravity, hydrated milks, or global warming.

Thirdly is the issue of why this story received so much attention. Space cadet Lisa Marie Nowak driving from Texas to Florida to attack Capt. Colleen Shipman, the current squeeze of Nowak’s spaceman ex is so far fetched? You wouldn’t do the same for your significant other? How dare you call yourself a lover, or a fighter for that matter! Wearing diapers to reduce the frequency of pit stops? Babies do it all the time without ridicule, yet this woman is chastised and turned into the soiled butt of countless lame jokes! If you want to hate babies then be my guest, but know there is plenty of room at Gitmo. If there is one thing the Patriot Act supports it is not making fun of babies.

Secondly, and finally, why would this astronaut attack an Air Force pilot at an AIRPORT! Airports are Air Force turf, you might as well have attacked her at 20,000 feet on the wing of a 737 (This is not advised as the wind speed makes it extremely difficult to properly attack with any ninja weapon). Although this cannot be confirmed, it is believed the initial plan was for Ms. Nowak to lure Captain Shipman to Disneyworld. Once at Disneyworld, Nowak would attack Shipman while on Space Mountain to keep the home field advantage herself. A more Intellective ruse hast ne'er-fore been cogitated. Sadly, due to the extremely long drive, partnered with the diaper rash, temporary insanity precipitated Ms. Nowak's belief the airport was in fact, Space Mountain.

So huzzah, Cadet Nowak, for following your heart. The heart, after all, is the organ from which Intellectuality comes from, not the brain (you mindless drones), which, obviously, houses the soul, or at least, what's left of it. After all, what is the crime here? Besides assault? When the day comes wherein a young lady can't stalk and attack the beau of the man she loves, or at least, likes, even if... the feelings weren't reciprocated, I hope that day will be a Thursday, which at our Intellectuarium, we've taken to calling Inside-Out Thursday. It's time we took a long Intellectual look in our looking glasses, gentlemen. A long look in-deed.

In all seriousness, The Intellectual Trio is glad no one was seriously injured. We have all learned to not date anyone from outer space and I hope that everyone can move on with their lives. I wish the best to the happy couple…whoever it turns out to be. Also please note that the i3O does not endorse; stalking, felonies, misdemeanors, crimes of passion, crime in general, being pro or con baby, driving from Texas to Florida in a diaper, or passing judgment on the legal system. We do endorse ourselves, support of the troops, and the grand old United States of America!

UnHOAXED! - Y2K not a Real Thing

After a decade of continuous research, The Intellectual Trio has concluded that the effect of ‘Year 2000 Kill-o-cide” or “Y2K”, was minimal at most. Most major ‘news outlets’ prematurely rushed to this conclusion on 1/1/2000, but the Intellectual Trio is thorough in all aspects of life. We simply don’t throw wild claims into society without solid evidence to support it. Many so called experts are projecting who will win the 2010 Super bowl, but the Intellectual Trio knows for a fact that can’t be predicted. However, the London Knights will win the 2015 Super Bowl; that's right, international expansion.

To fully understand the significance of this news, it is imperative that you have the background on what Y2K was believed to be. To gain a proper understanding, we must travel back ten years to the previous millennium. A time of beepers, Justin Timbenlake when he was still a part of that Upstreet Heat cover band, the birth of the 1 GHz CPU, Windows XP, and Vanilla Ice. Somehow, some way, out of somewhere the idea of Y2K was pushed into the public sector. Y2K blew up quicker than Kanye West at an awards show.

Y2K was the binary nuclear bomb that would blow 1’s and 0’s so far off the information superhighway that MapQuest wouldn’t even be able to find them. Once the clock hit midnight on New Year's Eve, computers would reset to 1900 (that's the year, try to keep up...) rendering them completely useless. Cell phones would instantaneously cease to work as their technologically advanced microprocessors vanished into thin air. For any chance at communication, people would be forced to embrace the harmonic telegraph network of Alex Bell’s wildest fantasy. Robots would go on strike, obliterating the Taft-Hartley Act. Vehicles would only be useful with a Flinstonian modification - removing the floor boards allowing occupants to provide power themselves. Of course vehicle propulsion by feet is practical for anyone in tropical climates, but navigating black ice on foot? As they say in foggy London, forget about it.

There was also immense mental stress associated with Y2K. People were facing fears they hoped no generation would ever have to. Would Ross and Rachel end up together? What does 'is” really mean? What happens at the end of Final Fantasy VIII? When will the Dow hit 100,000 points? Is the Cold War REALLY over? These are just a few of the horrible mysteries that would fade into the eternal unknown.

The same “media” that created this beast was also quick to slay it. Once it was realized instantaneous global tragedy was not going to occur, they began reporting how it was averted. Supposedly computer programmers had spent previous months “updating code”, “creating solutions”, “engineering alternatives” and all sorts of techno mumbo jumbo. Most likely this means they were crossing their fingers and hoping for the best while staying up all hours of the night to complete Final Fantasy VIII. But did they? That is, both, did they complete Final Fantasy VIII and did they avert Y2K?

Our conclusion: Yes, at least with Y2K. That's right folks, you can know safely leave our bomb shelter. Just remember that you heard it here first: Y2K was a hoax from the computer geeks to get them on TV, that vile strumpet of a medium. Little did they know at the time, all you had to do was debase yourself (vide: reality TV). Of course, reality TV (or “television”) was in its nascent, and dare I say, crescent phase. Don't worry, Y2K's moon has set.

But there is an important issue of issued importance that needs to be addressed and soon. You thought this whole time we were discussing Y2K, we were looking back? Ha! It's a look forward (never underestimate the Tr3o). That's right, we're safe with Y2K, because Y2K wasn't the real Y2K – the really real Y2K is... drum roll, please... Y10K. I mean, that's Y2K times five or six, and what's worse – no one is talking about this!

If you need proof then simply ask your “elected official”, what steps are being taken to prepare for Y10K. They will most likely laugh you off, and question your sincerity, or sanity. While I question our sanity daily, how dare they question our sincerity! Why would an official react like this? It is obvious; they have no idea how to prepare! The previous ‘solutions’ may keep us safe for another 8990 years, but once Y10K hits, it is every intellectual for themselves! Explain that to your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandchildren's great grandchildren's children. Yeah, good luck.

(On another related note…The Intellectual Trio is willing to start extensive research into the Y10K problem. For a small $376 million grant, we can begin immediate investigation within the next two to three decades. Please contact us with any proposals.)

UnHOAXED! – Ocean Creation the Work of Secret Conglomerate

My fellow readers, the Intellectual Trio is once again working on your behalf. This concerns every single person in the WORLD, and not just the rich or the beautiful human people. This should immediately be translated to all global languages; while I know all of them (by heart), I simply don’t have the time to do all the legwork myself. According to the ‘news’ there is a new ocean forming in an African desert.

Something smells a little fishy about this story (and it's not the fish LOL!) and the Intellectual Trio needed to get to the bottom of it (and not because we were hungry). As usual it only takes a logical mind, and complete understanding of all universal powers to figure out what is really going on. No doubt there is another ocean forming, but what we need to figure out is: what is behind this development? Is it that overbearing, controlling Mommy Nature? Perhaps it is divine intervention? Could it be like the article above says; could that Scarlet Harlot, Science, be behind this? Magma, volcanoes, tectonic plates, a million years... these are great plot points for an unauthorized Trio Biopic (Triopic), but they don’t have anything to do with creating an ocean. I mean, come on boys and girls, there's no water in lava! What do I have to do here?!

The real culprits of this ecological miracle make up a secret conglomerate that has embedded themselves so deeply in our society that we would be lost without them, literally (“literally”:foreshadowing joke ;-]). Illuminati? Casa Nostra? The Masons? Those assholes are like the tree house clubs you couldn't get into when you were six (you still can't, by the way). The real power behind this new ocean isn’t science, nature, or an ancient sun god: it is the Federation of International cartography (FIC) and FIC ain't no joke. Here at the Intellectuarium, we've been expecting this for a while; this group needs something to boost sales and flex their geographic bicep one more time. This is the biggest news in the map-making industry in at least a decade.

Don’t think that the FIC did this alone; those prissy dunces don't like to get their hands dirty. A project of this caliber would require the help of another group, at the very least, to bring on a fall guy. To fully understand this we simply need to look at history to figure out who their accomplices are. It is common knowledge (for the Intellectual Trio) that the fall of the USSR was engineered by the federation of map makers with the help of GM and African militias. Turning Hawaii into a state? Once again this was the work of the map-makers, this time partnering with the International Pineapple Mercenary Commission.

Don’t bother trying to look any of these groups up; they are so confidential that their own members don’t even know they exist. A job of this magnitude requires the efforts of multiple parties. The map-makers have a history of liaising with military groups so obviously various global navies are involved. The icing on this seaweed cake is the support of the Intergalaxy Cruise Line Association. What would another ocean provide? A new body of water which will allow a new destination for gloriously exotic cruises. More cruise ships will require a navy to protect them from hostile pirates, not to mention a boon for the always contracting piracy industry (Trickle-down oceaniconomics; Reagan was a genius!). One plus one equals three, and BINGO, you have the i3O.

How could the cartographers have so much power you ask? That is rather ‘elementary’. Maps have infiltrated their way into every school in every part of the world. The FIC have brainwashed society into believing that without their maps(vide: Global Positing Synergies), we would be lost . Well I don’t need a map to tell me I am lost - I know that every time I get up in the morning!

So what can we do to stop these FIC-faces? Sadly, nothing. But wait! An ocean means more waterfront property – good thing I3O is the third largest private landholder of the Sahara Desert (as well as proud co-proprietor of the Brooklyn Bridge). Can I get a “Cha-ching! This is an investment that would make that sissy Warren Buffer puke on his moccasins.

The sole purpose of this article, and all UnHoaxed! writings, is to demonstrate that you as a reader should never take things at face value. The Intellectual Trio promises to do the best I can to provide the truthiness as quickly as possible. If you come across something that creates a lump in your caw, benign or otherwise, then please let us know. No matter what it takes, we will get to the bottom of it (“it” referring to both the “something” you might “come across” as well as your “caw”. Obviously)!