Unsolicited Advisements: Tats, Cats and Rooster Eggs

The I3O has taken it upon ourselves to give advisements to those that asked not for it.

I want a simple tattoo that is patriotic and honors the founding fathers and their ideas? I was thinking something like the year the constitution was completed or maybe one of their signatures? Any other ideas?

-Steph(:

Great idea. Tattoos are important - the means to communicate birthrights, prove heroic deeds, convey cosmic destinies, and, occasionally, show off some really cool wizards and black lit unicorns. While the Trio is covered with tattoos, new and old alike, we are always dismayed at the unoriginal and, frankly, unpatriotic tattoos we see on a daily, even hourly basis. Does this make us an expert on tattoos? No, but does being an expert in everything make us an expert in tattoos? Yes.

The year the Constitution was completed (as opposed to the year it was began) is a poor choice; that number, lost to the legacy of sand and time, would confuse most tattoo-readers and would certainly lack the emotional slap to the jowls you are looking for. This goes doubly for signatures – they could easily be forgeries. Best, as always, to speak in pictures. This probably wouldn't surprise you, but our patriotic tattoo is the perfect patriotic tattoo – you can see the original sketching below.

It behooves us both to point out that it is impeccably patriotic to have a patriotic tattoo. Therefore, according to the Inverse Mutually Exclusive Theorem, it is impeccably TREASONOUS to not have a patriotic tattoo. Arizona might be off to a rocky start; if you really want to keep America free -shoot on sight anyone without a patriotic tattoo.


Why does my cat love to be petted very rough? Here are the traits of my cat if anyone can psychoanalyze them: My cat loves to be petted very roughly, like against the fur, sharp brushes, even pushed down. If I don't pet her this way she will push against my hand very hard. My cat meows and claws my leg to get me to pet her in this manner. My cat is old, 10 years. My cat has gone threw many truamatizing experiences, such as flying on a plane and having her sister cat be eaten by a coyote. My cat sniffs and closes her eyes when in the bright sunlight. (This one really confuses me) My cat drinks from the sink always. She will meow loudly until I turn it to a drip for her. My cat has 2 other cats and a dog in the house. My cat is rather smart, and can open screened doors.

- Jake

Let's recap: This cat can: open doors, fly on planes, drink from a sink, and is a pet owner? Recall all of those different times that you told people that you were an only child? I have some strange news for you, Jake. You lied. This ten year old is no cat, but in fact, your sister.

Usually, we would inquire on the birth order, but your sister is clearly displaying some younger sibling tendencies. She desperately needs your attention, hence the meowing and clawing. This is also why she likes to be petted very roughly; doctors that I have invented all claim that most masochists are, in fact, younger siblings. If you are uncomfortable with your sister's fetish, I would suggest bringing her around the appropriate nightclubs and basements to best introduce her to people that will use sharp brushes, even pushed down.

Finally, my condolences to you for your other sister; getting eaten by a coyote is a painful and miserable death, and rarely talked about in this country for reasons – an explanation of which will have to wait for another day.



What would you like to ask? Roosters. How do you get rid of a rooster without being cruel? My neighbor mistakenly was sold a rooster egg instead of a chicken egg and now would like to give up the rooster. Anyone out there interested?

-C

Getting rid of roosters is nigh impossible. Since you've never tried, I'll give you some advice about what not to do – no one has yet figured out the impossible.

• Don't raise the rooster as if it was a child of your own loins. While roosters can pass for humans well into puberty, at this point, the common rooster will have the strength of five or seven human 12 year olds and a furious reaction to its interspecies upbringing. How do you think Columbine happened?
• Don't fry it into an omelet – a severe bout of lupus will result.
• Leaving it in the woods seems like a good idea; except that rooster eggs look remarkably like dinosaur eggs. Again, having a rooster raised by other species, even as wise or noble as the modern triceratops, will only result in bloodshed.
• Dumpsters are already overcrowded and rooster eggs are the only non-biodegradable egg in existence; if you're not part of the solution, you're probably throwing away rooster eggs.

One possible solution: while rooster eggs are not biodegradable, they are regular degradable – make fun of them at all times; perhaps the rooster egg will simply leave on its own accord, tired and frustrated at being the butt of so many jokes and put-downs. Let us know how it goes, so long as its done intellectually: with a control group, lab coats, copious use of Bunsen burners as well as magnifying glasses.

Unsolicited Advisements: Twins, Chins & Chillin Wens

The I3O has taken it upon ourselves to give advisements to those that asked not for it.

I'm worried about my sister. She has an 18 month old so, needless to say, she has her hands full. Her and her husband just found out that she is pregnant – with twins! She's back at her full-time job (for now) and her husband barely sees his kid now he's working so much. I know they need money, and I want to help, but she won't let me. What should I do

- Jodie, Hampton, AR

Jodie,

Young families cause irreversible amounts of stress on everyone involved. You can't just be thinking of yourself. This family set-up will have adverse affects on your sister, her daughter, her husband, her twins, me, the US Government, the great state of Arkansas, Dunkin' Donuts, et al. Your sister is driving straight for the toxic dump cliff. Luckily, the I30 always knows the best detours.

Some species exercise what is called intrauterine cannibalism. In this ingenious system that Father Darwin would be pleased with, the furious impregnation of say, a tiger shark, results in multiple embryos, not different from your sister's belly-twofer. In a no-holds-barred, battle of the womb, the stronger embryo EATS the weaker one(s). Three babies magically appear, only one gets born, having gained the strength of TWO or more embryos.

Now, this practice is generally discouraged in the United States and I know exactly who to blame: China! They know that at this point, we can't compete with them on the quantity of our populace. Therefore, it is imperative that we start concentrating on the quality. And to us at the Trio, intrauterine cannibalism is cheaper and more effective at finally building the super-species that we've been leading the charge towards for centuries.

Hope that helps, Jodie. Just induce some cannibalistic tendencies in the embryos now, cause once they're born, the tangible benefits lessen considerably.

I am a 15 year old boy, indeed skinny, more than i should be, im a few kilograms under my ''ideal weight'' so im sure thats not the problem, but i have this somewhat big, and very bothersome double chin! whats going on? What can i do about it?

- Juan

Juan, you have a couple of options. The most obvious, the one you've looked into, im (sic) sure, is a chin reduction procedure. They're cheap ($15 - $20) and painless. Plan on spending about 30 minutes with a good, quality bone chisel, and a semi-licensed chinologist and you're on your way.

Granted, chinologists are rare, so perhaps you're thinking about this all wrong. See, aesthetic beauty (of which, no doubt, we are experts) isn't a matter of features so much as it is a matter of proportion. Perhaps you've heard of the Golden Mean or Golden Triangle; standards of beauty in all forms from antiquity based on proportions and named after the Intellectual Trio. Maybe your chin isn't too big, but the rest of your face, too small. I would suggest getting face implants to really step up your facial prowess.

Finally, I can't resist asking; why are you worried at all? No man has achieved anything in life without a strong and/or double chin. Of course, the Trio's visage is perfection incarnate. Embrace that which makes you powerful, learn to tap into the awesome might and glory of your double chin, and the rest will sort itself out.

wat does it mean if a friend just asks u to chill wen theyre not really doin anything??
im one of the quieter girls i dont really put myself out there and i dont like askin people to chill i like wen they ask me i dunno why but i think im losing a friend because of that..she used to call alot now we go weeks at a time of not talkin to eachother, i think shes gettin sick of always askin..she told me i never ask to chill i said i know then shes like ask to chill.
god i dont know why i do this.

-plur18

Plur18,

The fact that she wants to chill wen is a good sign for sure. Wen, of course, is the abbreviation for Wendy's Arby's Group, Inc. on the New York Stock Exchange. Since we dabble in commodities and securities exchanges, we know that to “chill” is simply to sell short. Given that neither Wendy's nor Arby's have a fast food product to compete with Taco Bell's Shrimp Tacos, they're heading for the poor house.

The real issue is that no one wants to ask people to chill, that won't ask others to chill. It's like what Mookie said, you scratch my feet, I'll scratch yours. If you want to be rich, invest in Taco Bell. If you want to be rich in friends, share your hot stock tips and make your friends rich. If you want to be rich in intellectuality, keep reading the Intellectual Trio.

3-D Television: A Quick Detour on Stupidness Lane

There has been a lot of talk recently about 3-"D" television and what it has to offer. While scholars disagree on exactly what the D stands for, the Trio is pretty certain it stands for "'D'ominating humanity into stupidness". Sure, the idea of television in 3-D sounds promising, it has revolutionized film, it will revolutionize video games, it could revive network television, but at what cost? Before you run out and buy one of these ludicrous contraptions take a close look at yourself in the mirror. But you will also increase the stupidness of the world to catastrophic levels.

How can 3-D televisions possibly lead to more stupidness in America? The Trio will outline in detail just exactly how this is going to happen as well as what future ramifications this could have on our children's 5-D grandchildren. Like Miley Cyrus once crooned, to fully understand where we are going you need to understand where we have come from. Like all stupidness this, 3-D television can be traced back to cellular telephones.

Cell phones have quickly become a lifeline for most everyone in this galaxy. This is fine, the Trio doesn't have any beef with cell phones (or any other animal meet for that matter). It was the fact that cellular telephones used their power to introduce the first phase of stupidness, that is most bothersome. I want you to think back a few years, when you first started noticing people with annoying bluetooth headsets in their ears. You remember the first time you saw them you thought "MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT THING IN THAT PERSONS EAR! ARE THEY SOME SORT OF CYBORG? THEY AREN'T A CYBORG?!?!?! WELL THEN THEY LOOK REALLY STUPID!" Not only did they continue to sell these stupid looking earpieces but their popularity grew! Soon you had more and more people running around with earpieces in, some of them simply to look important. A select super-stupid breed even had one in each ear, which does not cancel out the stupid, it grows it exponentially (see figure 1 below) Hearing aides, headphones, earmuffs, q-tips, these are all acceptable things to have in your ear. When people are putting bluetooths, that glow blue in their ears, then a certain line has been crossed. What would these people do if they were trying to escape from a rouge band of ninjas in pitch black? I can tell you what they would do, they would get their faces kicked because the ninjas would be able to follow the blinking blue beacon and know exactly where to land a Chuck Norris style roundhouse to the head!

What does this have to do with 3-D television? I asked myself the same question until we realised the answer! How do you see 3-D? Well you need a special set of glasses to see the supposed "third" dimension. This means that now people are going to be sitting around with bug eyed glasses on their face all the time. HOW STUPID IS THAT GOING TO LOOK? When 3-D glasses were styling blue and red cardboard it was one thing, but these glasses have about as much aesthetic appeal as Mo'Nique in a string bikini. The 3-D television companies know this, they are secretly just trying to make America more stupider. After all, ugly = stupid. Well the Trio is here to tell you that we are not falling for it. Figure 2 demonstrates just how high the stupid will go if 3-D television and the stupid glasses catch on. Global warming, economic crisis, Idol without Paula, even Y10K are all small potatoes compared to the apocalypse coming if this evil stupid plan succeeds.

3-D glasses do not belong in the home. Many scientists have theorized that a level of stupid above 2.5 million/per person could cause planetary implosion. (A reverse big bang, not to be confused with a little bang [to be outlined, described and solved at another time) 3-D glasses would bring the stupidness well above that level to almost 3.8 million/per person.

How do we solve this? Easy enough, 3-D contacts. If the contact-makers are in bed with the glasses manufacturers and the television lobby (a menage a trouble!), someone get Dr. and Mrs. Lasik on the phone. I want to see in 3-D all the time anyway.

figure 1)

Given: 60 = standard stupid (stpd) of a human being,
AND: earpiece (E) = 42 stpd

60 stpd + (earpiece)^# of earpieces =60 + (42)^2 = 1824 stupid

figure 2)
glasses =78 stupid

60 + (glasses * # eyes)^# dimensions

60 + (78 * 2)^3 =3796476

Intellectualizing the Winter Olympics

To: coach@teamusa.gov
Cc: boss@IOC.org

Subject: cost savings for the future

Good Day Coach,

First of all I want to wish you luck in the 2010 Winter Olympics. I apologize for the i3O not being able to compete in this year's games. Hopefully you understand our busy schedule and loyalty to all major countries, at least to every country that wins a gold or silver. We all know bronze was invented to make 3rd place feel worse for not doing better.

While our athleticism will not be able to help team USA this year, we want you to know our intellectuality is hard at work. I, the Trio, have identified an area of great cost savings. Lodging, food, travel, clothing are large expenses for each member of team USA. The best way to eliminate these ridiculous costs is to streamline the team. It is expected that USA will compete, and should win, in almost every event. I am not telling you how to do your job, but you must realize the most valuable asset you have at your disposal. Not the hopes, dreams, and respect of the entire country, but Mr. Shaun White. The Flying Tomato himself.

His primary sport is snowboarding but his skills, and midichlorean count, are off the charts. Overall awesomeness alone allow Shaun to be a contender in many events with small modifications. Flying down the luge course on a snowboard may seem ridiculous at first but trust me Mr. White can do this with his eyes closed. I have actually seen him do this twice in the last two weeks. The biathlon will be no problem, just give the man a rifle and he can hit a penny at 15,000 yards. If they mandate cross country skis must be used instead of a snowboard tell the IOC that we don't respond well to discrimination and they will be hearing from my attorney!! That being said Shaun should be able to pick up skiing in about 17 seconds.

You may be skeptical but trust me, I have far more experience coaching Olympians than most people ever will, evident by my extraordinarily large count of medals in Sonic and Mario at the Olympics on Wii. Michael Phelps won however many medals, but I think it is realistic for The Tomato to win 48, by day 4. You would be a hero to coaches, and evil produce executives everywhere.

Mr. Boss at IOC

I have included you on this note because the Trio also has some cost savings ideas for you. Hopefully you are aware of the global economic recession/depression (henceforth called repression) plaguing the globe. The opening ceremonies were great and all but the Trio is offering an exclusive contract to provide the opening as well as closing ceremonies for the next 10 Olympics, summer and winter, for a nominal fee. My singing voice can only be rivaled by William Hung, and the choreography will be like nothing you have ever seen. This would be a great way to combat the economic repression, as well as the global intellectual repression at the same time. Please think this over because we are already in talks to be long term host of a new combo BET/CMA awards to air exclusively on Home Shopping Network: the Black Home Country Music Shopping Entertainment Association Television Network Awards.

Thank you for your time and good luck to all the teams competing. The Trio supports everyone equally, except for supporting Team USA more.

Your friends,
The Intellectual Trio

Saving the Other Big Three

This Musing, feared lost to the wicked private collection of Father Time, was originally writ-en in the fall of 2008, using either the Gregorian or Julian calender(s). It is reprinted for posterior's sake.

I -like you, humble readers- try our best to keep up with present-day affairs. The arduousness of the task is compounded by the recent run of “Housewomen of Atlanta County”, as fine and probing a docu-series as ever was. How-ever, I think now is a good time to admit that the national auto-car industry is struggling. Ford, GMC, and Chrysler, the so-called “Big Three,” (a name, of course, more often attributed to the I3O by some lady folk) are on the verge of something called bankruptcy. As you undoubtedly know, this is not the more common moral bankruptcy that plagues our schools and schoolyards but a different financial bankruptcy that involve complex legal and economic consequence. Once again, a formidable foe for our formidable intellection. And we are very pleased to institute the position of Other Big Three Chairman, and pass it along to another Fellow.

One might ponder; why not simply engineer the rescue ourself? The Intellectual Trio is, of course, the optimum answer, but I must confess, we are convincingly uninterested. As Mama Trio used to say: never ride bareback on a dying train, and the stench of decay and pig-iron surrounds this Other Big Three. However, there is another man interested in saving dying macrocosms and we give him my full support and Official Nomination: Allen Gore.

You probably know Allen Gore best as Leo DiCaprio's former Gay-friend; they were oft-times seen palling around like terrorists for much of the last three years. The Religious Rite will be glad to know that they have since ended their tryst, and he is safely back with Tipper and her sickly sweet embrace. Gore, of course, was the Hollywood mind -now there's an oxymoron!- behind the brilliant “March of the Penguins.” This record-breaking film captured the plight of the common Arctic Penguin-bird. I tell you, humble readers, this motion play -fictional though it was- seized mine own heart so firmly, we could hardly breathe, for fear of crying. The result being that now, when-ever I find ourselves at the Trio-approved MacDonald's Restaurant and stare droolingly at the Joyous Meal menu, we quickly decide against their robust and delicious Penguin McNuggets, opting instead for their McCowmeatburger (quick show of hands: who was aware that cows are in meat? Be honest!). This choice, so I've been told, is far more nutritious as well; a double-boon!

As it turns out, Gore has spent time as a Lawman as well. In fact, rumor is, he was the Understudy for President Billiam Clinton (two Oxymorons in one piece, the boys at the club will surely giggle now!). Naturally, this was before he was Denounced and Impeached, though allowed to stay on for National Security reasons. And while service in a disgraced and tommy-rotten administration is nothing of which to boast, Snr. Gore certainly knows his way around the Overt Office. This experience in the highest Room in the Land clearly gives him the administrative know-how to combat the Other Big Three, and their board-rooms of gnomes and wizards, each older than the last. Full dis-closure: the owners and tsars of the OTB are each at least 700 years old. This sort of entrenched leadership, which harkens back to the Medievals, mankind's Golden Age, is difficult to undermine. Gore must infiltrate their ranks by donning the skin of the rare Iceberg Fox and biting -nibbling, really- each of these old toads in the ear. This is an instantaneous coup d'auto, and will be respected. It is in many ways a fool's errand, has only been done correctly once (by Sir Bismarck in 1845) and brings with it every imaginable risk, but is clearly the only way.

The hard part over, OTB Chancellor Gore will have the Commoner's task of saving each of these companies from both bankruptcies (so keep that Billiam and his curvaceous sister, Hillary, away!) and, in doing so, keep all of those dozens of jobs in America, for Americans. The terrorists are once again on the outside looking-Inn, thanks to the dexterity of the Intellectual Trio.

Profiles In Intellectualism: Ray Nagin, Mayor of New Orleans

This weekend represents so much to Americans all over America. For once Friday and Saturday pale in comparison to what Sunday brings. People throw caution to the wind, even though the wind couldn't catch a slant pass if it lined up in the slot while the defense blitzed weak side. These morons look forward to staying up far too late, eating too much, drinking too much, and feeling like garbage when the alarm goes off on Monday morning - pretty similar to the regular weekly Intellectuarium happenings. The Super Bowl is a sporting event with no comparison. Well, it's sort of like Golf's Masters, without being totally boring. Or maybe it’s like Game 7 of the NBA Playoffs, except played with a football instead of basketball. Or like the final game of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, except it will always occur on a Sunday! And the World Series isn't a sport (unless you're talking "- of Poker"). The Super Bowl of the NFL is like no other sporting event on Earth, or any other Earth for that matter.


Alleged mayor of New Orleans, Ray Nagin, seems to fully understand the importance of this game, what it really represents, and demonstrates a solid understanding of numerology. This article can be referenced for more details. The Intellectual Trio has always looked at numerology as being the most accurate of the -ologies. (What has biology taught us that we didn’t already know from 10th grade biology?) Our unending wit and brainpower, along with a TI-82 calculator and in depth analysis of numerology have led the Intellectual Trio to correctly pick the winning numbers for 798 of the last 799 lottery drawings. (Our only inaccuracy was for the North Dakota Hot Lotto, which further proves North Dakota may in fact be some sort of South Dakotan Landfill.) Mr. Nagin’s quote about the importance of four leading to a Saint’s victory is something students will be writing theses on for years. These theses will be completely and totally important, and read by many people. You may have heard that three is a divine number but as the Intellectual Trio demonstrates, four is the ultimate power number, vide this life-altering equation: 4=3=1. The i3O would not want to give away the outcome of this Super game and blow the Vegas sportsbook line so we will let you see how it plays out for yourself, but understand our prediction will prove 100% true, no matter the outcome.


Beyond the mayor's numerology expertise, he also goes on to predict what will happen after a Saints victory. The celebration will be an all out bender with mass consumption of all forms of alcohol known to man, and a few that aren’t. What he doesn’t say, but can be predicted is that if the Saints do not win this game there will probably be an all out bender with mass consumption of all forms of alcohol known to man, and a few that aren’t. We are talking about New Orleans, in the middle of Mardi Gras (French for "show us your taters"). In any event, it will be a scene that can only be rivaled by the i3O's daily lunch hour.


If more mayors were this honest, I think you would see a new found respect for all elected officials. If there is going to be political reform in this country, we think Ray Nagin is going to be the man that puts it into action. Hurricanes can’t stop him, the Super Bowl can’t stop him, not even Kanye West can interupt him! This man is unflappable. In fact, when you people name us King and Ultimate Sovereign of these Untied States, you will see Mr. Nagin sitting proudly, back straight, some four rows behind us (which would be three rows behind Cheri O'Teri and Teri Hatcher (co-Secretaries of National Teri-ism).

Profiles In Intellectualism: PETA

There exists a seemingly vicious group People for the Equal Treating of Animals or PETA, that bellows and barks (pun intended!) for animal rights. They stomp their feet and thump their own chests in classic demonstrations of aggression, but the Trio can see through their bluffs. Usually, they have lame and uninspired plans like painting and nudity to further their cause, but recently, they had a proposal so intellectual, it made my dog gasp in delight.

Replacing the immortal Punxsutawney Phil with a robotic groundhog? Brilliant! Us here at the Intellectuarium have long advocated the pervasive use of robots wherever possible – and boy, is Robohog Day possible! Long a prisoner of his meteorological ways, the immortal Punxsutawney Phil has for decades been sheltered in dismal living conditions where he is “treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania,” according to groundhog slave-owner, William Deeley. Average children get gruel – we need that groundhog to live better than the exceptional and upper-class children of Pennsylvania, wherever that is.

In addition to the definitive lifestyle improvements, replacing the malnourished and dangerously obese Punxsutawney Phil (who is also subjected to witchcraft at the hands of his evil keepers, see number two) will almost certainly improve the seasonal predictions from a meager real groundhogged 39% to an astonishingly complicated algorithm-driven, robotic 100% accuracy. If I'm paying good money for a prevision, I want it to be better made.

Truly though, the replacement of the actual animal with a robotic superanimal makes sense, not just in this specific and important instance, but as a general philosophy. More and more humans have taken to indulge in the wicked practice of animal slavery. They call these poor creatures “pets” (as if the idea alone wasn't disgusting enough – the name says it all). Some Japanese corporations are leading the charge here, selling robo-dogs for mere thousands of dollars. It would thrill the Trio to no end to see “pets,” dogs and cats alike, go back to the wild, fend for themselves and return to their natural habitat, assuming it's still as they left it.

Finally, while the improvements annotated above are helpful and downright inspired, the Trio never stops there. Perhaps you have heard that there are six billion people on this planet and the number grows everyday. Since no one seems to support my population control methods (namely, baby death cage matches to accelerate natural selection), the day is fast approaching wherein experts and policy-shapers will have to address the world's food supply. Of course, that day is yesterday, as that was the last day that the problem was unsolved, thanks (once again) to me, the Intellectual Trio.

Replacing animal celebrities with animatronic doppelgangers is imminent, and the robot-pet revolution is already underway. But they true robotics solution lies in robotic livestock. Luckily, the Trio has worked “all around the clock” on some of the prototypes in the Intellectuarium: Robocow's beefy flesh, the succulent Bionichicken drumsticks and the surprisingly sweet Automatapork. The initial reports are good and, like their feline and canine brethren, this means a welcome return to a feral state for cattle, hogs and poultry alike. Basically, robots are the future, and a small tip of our incredibly large hat to the folks at PETA for inadvertently leading the Trio where we are all too comfortable: one step closer to complete bondage of Mama Nature, once and forever.

Solving the NBC Late Night Debacle

Recently, the television network, National Broadcasting Channel, or “NBC,” found itself front and center in the attention of many people over their late night programming. To rid themselves of the Conan O'Brien to make room for the Jay Leno, a previously fired employee-cum-rehired guinea pig/failure, they had to pay over $40 million to Mr. O'Brien. Now, I don't know about you, except for the fact that I, the Intellectual Trio, do know about you. And you think $40 million is a lot of million. Instead of the chickenheads clucking on and on the major and minor news and opinion medias, we here of the Trio are not interested in blame (unless it pertains to “natural” disasters, economic woes, or new oceans). Therefore, we will give you what all the others won't. I know what you're thinking - we'll give you that too, but first: a good solution to this obviously important late night debacle.

First of all, we would never dream of picking either the Jay Leno or the Conan O'Brien over the other. The reasons for this are simple. First of all, both of them have impeccable names. Lastly, they both are Greek. Secondly, they both have prominently odd facial features, and most importantly, both of them are, in their own right, intellectually hilarious! Seriously though! Whether it is self-pleasuring men in animal pelts or demonstrating the woefully under-education of Joe Every-American, the Trio gets a giant barrel of giggles out of both O'Brien and Leno on a regular basis. It is clear that both are at the top of the game, and, let's face it (and by “face it”, I mean, literally, put our face up to the idea of), both are as indispensable from the late night scene as the Trio is to the entire human population. Make no bones about it, late night television is the single most important aspect of human culture and expression, and both of these “Picassos” (though I suspect that in future generations, the shorthand for creative genius will be both the names “Conan” or “Leno”) are needed in nothing short of the worst way.

Given that persuasive argument above, a modest Intellectual, such as ourself, might suggest that instead of picking one over the other, the prudent course would have been to give “The Tonight Show” to BOTH Jayford Leno and Conanington O'Brien. Clearly, there seems to be no “side-to-go-down” or “downside” here. You capture two modern Rembrandts at once. You are able to seize the major demographics that each artist attracts (namely, the group that still watches late night talk shows and the coveted OTHER group that still watches late night talk shows), and BOOM! Multiple your ratings by the thousands, and maybe even the hundreds! Imagine: instead of the traditional and humdrum “monologue” performed by a singular host entity, “The Tonight Show with Jay and Conan O'Brien and Leno” would start off with ... wait for it... a “dialogue” - a monologue conducted by two people! And instead of having guests, which, frankly detract from the focus and quality of the show, the two titans of humor could simply interview each other – every night! I dare you to dream up a better show!

Too late, I already did it! While “The Tonight Show with Jay and Conan O'Brien and Leno” would be truly amazing in the sense that it would make a maze of your humor bones, there are some obstacles and infeasibilities that aren't readily apparent to the likes of you. First of all, this show would, in all likelihood, by prohibitively expensive. Love don't come cheap, and neither nor does humor. Paying for the Leno-O'Brien dream team would put NBC well over the salary cap, and it's not like NBC is in a major media market to justify raising ticket prices enough to handle such high overhead. I know, I know, we are broken up about it as well, but the pipe dream of O'Brien and Leno together on one set is as pipe-y as it gets. The good news? The Trio can out-pipe anyone.

Instead of trying to combine two people into one show, there exists a much more expedient and obviously more intellectual course of action: combine two people into... ONE PERSON. You and I both see married couples try this all the time. Therefore, NBC should take Leno DNA and Conan DNA and infuse them into an embryo. Allow forty years, or until the crust is golden-brown. Meanwhile, have General Electric (ahem, your “boss”) create a time machine. Then, once the genetic über mensch comes of age, send it back to 2010 and ------- presto! I give you “The Tonight Show with Jaynon O'Brano!”. Frankly, you can thank me later.

UnHOAXED - The Cause of the Haiti Earthshake

You may have heard of the tremendous devastation in Haiti due to a terrifying earthshake. Hundreds of thousands of people are dead or presumed dead, millions more living without access to clean water or food. Riots and looting are occurring all over the island nation. It is a tragedy of the highest order, and like many of you, there is really only one reasonable question to ask: who is to blame for this?

Science is, once again, trying to hog the glory (as opposed to trying to “glory the hog”, another of their habits). They insist that it was a test demonstration of the awesome power of their new and/or ancient weapon of mass destruction, tectonic plates. But we are calling their bluff: certainly they would have had the foresight of writing a list of demands or a ransom note. If I'm not mistaken, in their circles, this is called a hypothesis. Clearly, scientists, while a nasty and noxious presence and potential threat on the horizon, they do not, in the words of my local bus driver, “have their shit together.”

Obviously, the more sensible knee-jerk reaction is to blame God. After all, the Good Book says, “In Him, all natural disasters are possible” (Amadeus 4:26-45, odd verses only). But after careful theological considerations, we, the mighty and pious Intellectual Trio, have decided that the good people of Haiti had not broken any laws, whether man's or God's. That is not to say, of course, that it is not the Haitians fault that this earthshake occurred. It is simply to say that, this act of vengeance was not from His Hands.

The French have a saying for this sort of situation: charchez la femme. Many scholars disagree, but I believe the root is High Flemish, and it roughly translates to “follow the booze.” Gamely, the Trio downed two Imperial gallons of “the good stuff,” and had an idea – what you mortals might call an epiphany, and quickly put it aside: we had to focus instead on the problem of who caused the Haitian earthshake, and when and where might they strike again.

Fully blitzed, as it were, the Trio stumbled upon the truest resource for many modern problems that seem to be beyond comprehension: the annals of history. Yes, the Trio, moaned to itself. History! And who is Haiti's greatest natural predator? None other than Napoleon Bonaparte!

A quick call to his publicist ensued. This man assured us that Napoleon had an alibi: he has been dead for nearly 200 years. However, again, in the words of our trusty bus driver, “the shit don't match the salad.” After all, Haiti was Napoleon's first major embarrassment; a former colony that successfully held off his so-called Grand-Armee and claimed their independence from the mighty French empire. Moreso, Haiti was, demographically speaking, primarily a “black” nation, and while I can't say that Napoleon is racist, I will say that he doesn't like black people. A quick and thrusting probe revealed that Napoleon, while dead for the alleged amount of years, was still wrecking havoc – in spectral form!

Yes, the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte and his phantasmal Grand Armee caused the earthshake of Haiti in retribution for their insolence before his regal might some centuries ago. And while it may be unfair that the sins of Haiti's forefathers are being visited upon their current-day kinsmen, that's the price you pay for freedom.

We cannot say for certain whether the ghost of Napoleon will strike again, but we do know that there is a pro-active solution that will insure that this sort of devastation will never happen again. Anyone familiar with the ghostly sciences know that ghosts only linger in this world because they have unfinished business. It doesn't take a rocket botanist to realize what Napoleon's unfinished business might be. In fact, I will spell it out for the few non-rocket, “common” botanists among us.

Haiti must amass an army of hundreds of thousands and conquer all of Europe. This is the only way to put to rest the soul of Napoleon and to forever cease his hauntings that have debilitated Haiti so rakishly. If you want to help the good people of Haiti restore their once proud nation, you can donate money, arms or manpower through the following links:

American Red Cross
Oxfam International
Unicef

One Small Step for Man, A Potential Planet for Intellectuals

Finally, some newsworthy news and we thought it was important for the Intellectual Trio to weigh in on this discovery. The discovery of this “super-Earth” makes the hairs on my symbolic neck burst into the Macarena. The article mentions that there will not be life similar to earth, which is quite obvious. The life on this ‘super-Earth’ will be SUPER compared to an average earthling. The intellect could possibly rival that of the Intellectual Trio! (When we were in grade school).

I, the i3O, personally welcome the thought of meeting these ‘super-earthlings’ and learning about their culture. From studying the documentary Superman, I think it is safe to say that everything on this planet is able to fly, as well as have X-ray vision. Safety is always a top concern, so I recommend stocking up on as much kryptonite as possible. While I’m sure the ‘super-earthlings’ are a peaceful kind you can never be too careful. Their advanced minds may not comprehend things like cell phones, mistaking them as some sort of pocket phaser.

Telepathy is most likely their primary source of communication, followed by a combination of Morris code and charades. Since very few of us are telepathic I would recommend brushing up on the second form of communication. Charades is difficult enough, but you really need to practice tapping out accurate Morris code with one hand while still acting out the words. Don’t worry about what other people think, they won’t be laughing when they get evaporated for responding to a text message on their pocket phaser.

With the planet being so watery, all ‘super-life’ most likely have gills. That being said the i3O would like to formally submit Kevin Costner for a Forward Thinking Award which is a combination Nobel peace prize and academy award. His character in Waterworld was the first to introduce us to humanoids with gills. Mr. Costner may not only be one of the best actor/directors of our time but may also be clairvoyant. The i3O will begin immediate research into this subject. Along with the kryptonite start stockpiling jars of dirt, the ‘super-earthlings’ will most likely trade their most prized possessions for this hot commodity. Who would have thought while everyone was worried about running out of clean water, dirt would be the intergalactic currency of the future.

The one most troubling aspect of this article is the name of this planet. GJ 1214b does not roll off the tongue. Since the Intellectual Trio is the first to really analyze the impact of this find we would like to submit the following name: “Planet Intellectual Trio”. You must admit, it is much easier to remember, and will be more accurate, once they appoint us their sovereign (simply a matter of time, logically speaking). Write to your congressperson, write to NASA, write to everyone and recommend this name before Stephen Colbert tries to get it named after him!

P.S. (For Super-Earthlings' Eyes Only):

The i3O will be glad to host a dinner party with you to share information and Christmas cookie recipes. If you want to enslave the rest of the human race, you'll find an ally in us. Just respond on our website and we can work out the details.

PPS (For Normal Earthling's Eyes Only):

If you read the above post-script, you may be alarmed. Don't worry. We are simply hoaxing these super-earthings to smoke out their true intentions. We swear that there is nothing to worry about.

PPPS (For Super-Earthling's Eyes Only Again):

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