Intellectualizing the Winter Olympics

To: coach@teamusa.gov
Cc: boss@IOC.org

Subject: cost savings for the future

Good Day Coach,

First of all I want to wish you luck in the 2010 Winter Olympics. I apologize for the i3O not being able to compete in this year's games. Hopefully you understand our busy schedule and loyalty to all major countries, at least to every country that wins a gold or silver. We all know bronze was invented to make 3rd place feel worse for not doing better.

While our athleticism will not be able to help team USA this year, we want you to know our intellectuality is hard at work. I, the Trio, have identified an area of great cost savings. Lodging, food, travel, clothing are large expenses for each member of team USA. The best way to eliminate these ridiculous costs is to streamline the team. It is expected that USA will compete, and should win, in almost every event. I am not telling you how to do your job, but you must realize the most valuable asset you have at your disposal. Not the hopes, dreams, and respect of the entire country, but Mr. Shaun White. The Flying Tomato himself.

His primary sport is snowboarding but his skills, and midichlorean count, are off the charts. Overall awesomeness alone allow Shaun to be a contender in many events with small modifications. Flying down the luge course on a snowboard may seem ridiculous at first but trust me Mr. White can do this with his eyes closed. I have actually seen him do this twice in the last two weeks. The biathlon will be no problem, just give the man a rifle and he can hit a penny at 15,000 yards. If they mandate cross country skis must be used instead of a snowboard tell the IOC that we don't respond well to discrimination and they will be hearing from my attorney!! That being said Shaun should be able to pick up skiing in about 17 seconds.

You may be skeptical but trust me, I have far more experience coaching Olympians than most people ever will, evident by my extraordinarily large count of medals in Sonic and Mario at the Olympics on Wii. Michael Phelps won however many medals, but I think it is realistic for The Tomato to win 48, by day 4. You would be a hero to coaches, and evil produce executives everywhere.

Mr. Boss at IOC

I have included you on this note because the Trio also has some cost savings ideas for you. Hopefully you are aware of the global economic recession/depression (henceforth called repression) plaguing the globe. The opening ceremonies were great and all but the Trio is offering an exclusive contract to provide the opening as well as closing ceremonies for the next 10 Olympics, summer and winter, for a nominal fee. My singing voice can only be rivaled by William Hung, and the choreography will be like nothing you have ever seen. This would be a great way to combat the economic repression, as well as the global intellectual repression at the same time. Please think this over because we are already in talks to be long term host of a new combo BET/CMA awards to air exclusively on Home Shopping Network: the Black Home Country Music Shopping Entertainment Association Television Network Awards.

Thank you for your time and good luck to all the teams competing. The Trio supports everyone equally, except for supporting Team USA more.

Your friends,
The Intellectual Trio

Saving the Other Big Three

This Musing, feared lost to the wicked private collection of Father Time, was originally writ-en in the fall of 2008, using either the Gregorian or Julian calender(s). It is reprinted for posterior's sake.

I -like you, humble readers- try our best to keep up with present-day affairs. The arduousness of the task is compounded by the recent run of “Housewomen of Atlanta County”, as fine and probing a docu-series as ever was. How-ever, I think now is a good time to admit that the national auto-car industry is struggling. Ford, GMC, and Chrysler, the so-called “Big Three,” (a name, of course, more often attributed to the I3O by some lady folk) are on the verge of something called bankruptcy. As you undoubtedly know, this is not the more common moral bankruptcy that plagues our schools and schoolyards but a different financial bankruptcy that involve complex legal and economic consequence. Once again, a formidable foe for our formidable intellection. And we are very pleased to institute the position of Other Big Three Chairman, and pass it along to another Fellow.

One might ponder; why not simply engineer the rescue ourself? The Intellectual Trio is, of course, the optimum answer, but I must confess, we are convincingly uninterested. As Mama Trio used to say: never ride bareback on a dying train, and the stench of decay and pig-iron surrounds this Other Big Three. However, there is another man interested in saving dying macrocosms and we give him my full support and Official Nomination: Allen Gore.

You probably know Allen Gore best as Leo DiCaprio's former Gay-friend; they were oft-times seen palling around like terrorists for much of the last three years. The Religious Rite will be glad to know that they have since ended their tryst, and he is safely back with Tipper and her sickly sweet embrace. Gore, of course, was the Hollywood mind -now there's an oxymoron!- behind the brilliant “March of the Penguins.” This record-breaking film captured the plight of the common Arctic Penguin-bird. I tell you, humble readers, this motion play -fictional though it was- seized mine own heart so firmly, we could hardly breathe, for fear of crying. The result being that now, when-ever I find ourselves at the Trio-approved MacDonald's Restaurant and stare droolingly at the Joyous Meal menu, we quickly decide against their robust and delicious Penguin McNuggets, opting instead for their McCowmeatburger (quick show of hands: who was aware that cows are in meat? Be honest!). This choice, so I've been told, is far more nutritious as well; a double-boon!

As it turns out, Gore has spent time as a Lawman as well. In fact, rumor is, he was the Understudy for President Billiam Clinton (two Oxymorons in one piece, the boys at the club will surely giggle now!). Naturally, this was before he was Denounced and Impeached, though allowed to stay on for National Security reasons. And while service in a disgraced and tommy-rotten administration is nothing of which to boast, Snr. Gore certainly knows his way around the Overt Office. This experience in the highest Room in the Land clearly gives him the administrative know-how to combat the Other Big Three, and their board-rooms of gnomes and wizards, each older than the last. Full dis-closure: the owners and tsars of the OTB are each at least 700 years old. This sort of entrenched leadership, which harkens back to the Medievals, mankind's Golden Age, is difficult to undermine. Gore must infiltrate their ranks by donning the skin of the rare Iceberg Fox and biting -nibbling, really- each of these old toads in the ear. This is an instantaneous coup d'auto, and will be respected. It is in many ways a fool's errand, has only been done correctly once (by Sir Bismarck in 1845) and brings with it every imaginable risk, but is clearly the only way.

The hard part over, OTB Chancellor Gore will have the Commoner's task of saving each of these companies from both bankruptcies (so keep that Billiam and his curvaceous sister, Hillary, away!) and, in doing so, keep all of those dozens of jobs in America, for Americans. The terrorists are once again on the outside looking-Inn, thanks to the dexterity of the Intellectual Trio.

Profiles In Intellectualism: Ray Nagin, Mayor of New Orleans

This weekend represents so much to Americans all over America. For once Friday and Saturday pale in comparison to what Sunday brings. People throw caution to the wind, even though the wind couldn't catch a slant pass if it lined up in the slot while the defense blitzed weak side. These morons look forward to staying up far too late, eating too much, drinking too much, and feeling like garbage when the alarm goes off on Monday morning - pretty similar to the regular weekly Intellectuarium happenings. The Super Bowl is a sporting event with no comparison. Well, it's sort of like Golf's Masters, without being totally boring. Or maybe it’s like Game 7 of the NBA Playoffs, except played with a football instead of basketball. Or like the final game of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, except it will always occur on a Sunday! And the World Series isn't a sport (unless you're talking "- of Poker"). The Super Bowl of the NFL is like no other sporting event on Earth, or any other Earth for that matter.


Alleged mayor of New Orleans, Ray Nagin, seems to fully understand the importance of this game, what it really represents, and demonstrates a solid understanding of numerology. This article can be referenced for more details. The Intellectual Trio has always looked at numerology as being the most accurate of the -ologies. (What has biology taught us that we didn’t already know from 10th grade biology?) Our unending wit and brainpower, along with a TI-82 calculator and in depth analysis of numerology have led the Intellectual Trio to correctly pick the winning numbers for 798 of the last 799 lottery drawings. (Our only inaccuracy was for the North Dakota Hot Lotto, which further proves North Dakota may in fact be some sort of South Dakotan Landfill.) Mr. Nagin’s quote about the importance of four leading to a Saint’s victory is something students will be writing theses on for years. These theses will be completely and totally important, and read by many people. You may have heard that three is a divine number but as the Intellectual Trio demonstrates, four is the ultimate power number, vide this life-altering equation: 4=3=1. The i3O would not want to give away the outcome of this Super game and blow the Vegas sportsbook line so we will let you see how it plays out for yourself, but understand our prediction will prove 100% true, no matter the outcome.


Beyond the mayor's numerology expertise, he also goes on to predict what will happen after a Saints victory. The celebration will be an all out bender with mass consumption of all forms of alcohol known to man, and a few that aren’t. What he doesn’t say, but can be predicted is that if the Saints do not win this game there will probably be an all out bender with mass consumption of all forms of alcohol known to man, and a few that aren’t. We are talking about New Orleans, in the middle of Mardi Gras (French for "show us your taters"). In any event, it will be a scene that can only be rivaled by the i3O's daily lunch hour.


If more mayors were this honest, I think you would see a new found respect for all elected officials. If there is going to be political reform in this country, we think Ray Nagin is going to be the man that puts it into action. Hurricanes can’t stop him, the Super Bowl can’t stop him, not even Kanye West can interupt him! This man is unflappable. In fact, when you people name us King and Ultimate Sovereign of these Untied States, you will see Mr. Nagin sitting proudly, back straight, some four rows behind us (which would be three rows behind Cheri O'Teri and Teri Hatcher (co-Secretaries of National Teri-ism).

Profiles In Intellectualism: PETA

There exists a seemingly vicious group People for the Equal Treating of Animals or PETA, that bellows and barks (pun intended!) for animal rights. They stomp their feet and thump their own chests in classic demonstrations of aggression, but the Trio can see through their bluffs. Usually, they have lame and uninspired plans like painting and nudity to further their cause, but recently, they had a proposal so intellectual, it made my dog gasp in delight.

Replacing the immortal Punxsutawney Phil with a robotic groundhog? Brilliant! Us here at the Intellectuarium have long advocated the pervasive use of robots wherever possible – and boy, is Robohog Day possible! Long a prisoner of his meteorological ways, the immortal Punxsutawney Phil has for decades been sheltered in dismal living conditions where he is “treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania,” according to groundhog slave-owner, William Deeley. Average children get gruel – we need that groundhog to live better than the exceptional and upper-class children of Pennsylvania, wherever that is.

In addition to the definitive lifestyle improvements, replacing the malnourished and dangerously obese Punxsutawney Phil (who is also subjected to witchcraft at the hands of his evil keepers, see number two) will almost certainly improve the seasonal predictions from a meager real groundhogged 39% to an astonishingly complicated algorithm-driven, robotic 100% accuracy. If I'm paying good money for a prevision, I want it to be better made.

Truly though, the replacement of the actual animal with a robotic superanimal makes sense, not just in this specific and important instance, but as a general philosophy. More and more humans have taken to indulge in the wicked practice of animal slavery. They call these poor creatures “pets” (as if the idea alone wasn't disgusting enough – the name says it all). Some Japanese corporations are leading the charge here, selling robo-dogs for mere thousands of dollars. It would thrill the Trio to no end to see “pets,” dogs and cats alike, go back to the wild, fend for themselves and return to their natural habitat, assuming it's still as they left it.

Finally, while the improvements annotated above are helpful and downright inspired, the Trio never stops there. Perhaps you have heard that there are six billion people on this planet and the number grows everyday. Since no one seems to support my population control methods (namely, baby death cage matches to accelerate natural selection), the day is fast approaching wherein experts and policy-shapers will have to address the world's food supply. Of course, that day is yesterday, as that was the last day that the problem was unsolved, thanks (once again) to me, the Intellectual Trio.

Replacing animal celebrities with animatronic doppelgangers is imminent, and the robot-pet revolution is already underway. But they true robotics solution lies in robotic livestock. Luckily, the Trio has worked “all around the clock” on some of the prototypes in the Intellectuarium: Robocow's beefy flesh, the succulent Bionichicken drumsticks and the surprisingly sweet Automatapork. The initial reports are good and, like their feline and canine brethren, this means a welcome return to a feral state for cattle, hogs and poultry alike. Basically, robots are the future, and a small tip of our incredibly large hat to the folks at PETA for inadvertently leading the Trio where we are all too comfortable: one step closer to complete bondage of Mama Nature, once and forever.