The Intellectual Trio: An Introduction

Lately, there have been some rumblings about the e-campfires about who and what the Intellectual Trio actually is and are not. We would, accordingly, like to take this opportunity to introduce myself. First, let me put some rumors to bed, with the lights down low, bullet-point style.

• Second of all, we were not the final catalyst for the falling of the Berlin Wall, as far as you know.


• Yes, we are a trio, so naturally, we consist of four separate yet equal voices, minds and, sometimes, sexual organs.


• Yes, we invented time, timekeeping, time travel, Time magazine, and pop-funk 80's sensation, The Time. We are not responsible for the herb and erstwhile aphrodisiac, thyme.

The Intellectual Trio is basically the most critical thinker, supreme arbiter, and, above all, brilliant Intellectual in the game today. If you want to imagine King Solomon without diabetes, Leonardo di Vinci with diabetes, and Albert Einstein with a luscious mustache and monocle, all combined in Prometheus' body (with additional musculature and sexual puissance), presto! The Intellectual Trio.

Our mission is, like all good and decent ones, a simple quest: to spread amongst the world a gospel of Truth and Intellectualism. This may surprise you as you sit in front of your computing machine, but the world has many problems. While the Onion might report the news, and Stephen Colbert comments on the news, we are here to solve the news, once and for all. Our ratiocination is in peak form, our intellectual gonads fully matured, and we are not messing around. And, if you care about anything, you shouldn't either.

There was a time when all one need do to spread intellectiveness was learn how to read and not stick you head in various animals. Surely, there were the Deceivers, out to promote democracy, religion, science and a host of other social and unintellectual ills. For epochs, those yokels were identifiable by their fat faces and soft brains (we know this, because we were there. Duh). How long is an epoch? Only the Trio knows for sure. Now, the enemy isn't so easy to spot. It could be you. The only way to know is to relinquish yourself to be bathed in our effervescent and zealous urine of discernment and holy wisdom and help us fight the battle of Intellectuality.

This is the only place on the Internet that will make you more intellectual. In summation, you're welcome.

UnHOAXED! Balloon Boy - Special Double Unhoaxed Edition!

Attn: World

Subject: Breaking news development

After extensive research and hypothesizing, new information has come to light regarding the Balloon Boy "hoax" that we all apparently fell victim to. Someone with the intellectual caliber of ours could not possibly believe the nonsense that a Falcon, posing as a boy, supposedly floated away in a giant UFO, even in the good name of the sacred art of Meteorology. Only later was it known to the masses that it was yet another in a string of crass and ugly attention demanding publicity stunts, like Kathy Griffin or the Noble Price. And with that knowledge, the great people of the Unity States upchucked like a woodchuck would (if a woodchuck could upchuck).

This story has not sat right with me since I first heard it come across my fiber-optic ticker tape. With great analysis and care, I have uncovered the truth beneath the "hoax". Actually, that's not true. I did not uncover the truth with great analysis and care. I did it with one brain tied behind my rucksack. I will say this: whoever has fallen for the "hoax" that this was indeed a "hoax" needs to get ready to have their figurative socks blown up, literally.

The Intellectual Trio has uncovered indisputable and undefinable evidence that this "Balloon Boy" stunt was actually the work of a group far more menacing, more conniving, then the master mind who began the cookie selling pyramid scheme at the Chief Connection. The first clue is in the tagline that the media has adopted: Balloon Boy. Let that sink in a moment. Isn't it plain to see?

Balloon Boy is our culprit, the initials of which are BB. What famous film had those same initials? That is right: the "Blues Brothers". The star of the "Blues Brothers”? None other then John Belushi. The cause of John Belushi's death? Drugs. Take a nanosecond and put the few over-sized foam jigsaw pieces together yourself; what is this kindergarten? You wish!

This was not about craving attention, or the desire for a reality TV show (speaking of, call us whenever you want, TLC, we're ready). This family had actually built a prototype for a weather balloon shaped rocket that could fly drugs to the moon. That's right. Moon shot, eight ball style.

The moon is a largely untapped market for drug dealers. Very few people have found a cost effective way to shuttle narcotics to residents of the moon, notably Mark Cuban. Some people think there is not a large demand for drugs on the moon, but I, the Intellectual Trio know for a FACT that if you build it, they will come. This evidence may not seem concrete at first. But what is concrete made of? Many small bits of rock and sand, with magic to hold it all together. Clearly.

I am sure that eventually more mainstream news outlets will pick up this story and run, nay, sprint with it. Just remember that with this, and with all of our information, you will not hear it anywhere before you hear it from the I3O.