Profiles In Intellectualism: Ray Nagin, Mayor of New Orleans

This weekend represents so much to Americans all over America. For once Friday and Saturday pale in comparison to what Sunday brings. People throw caution to the wind, even though the wind couldn't catch a slant pass if it lined up in the slot while the defense blitzed weak side. These morons look forward to staying up far too late, eating too much, drinking too much, and feeling like garbage when the alarm goes off on Monday morning - pretty similar to the regular weekly Intellectuarium happenings. The Super Bowl is a sporting event with no comparison. Well, it's sort of like Golf's Masters, without being totally boring. Or maybe it’s like Game 7 of the NBA Playoffs, except played with a football instead of basketball. Or like the final game of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, except it will always occur on a Sunday! And the World Series isn't a sport (unless you're talking "- of Poker"). The Super Bowl of the NFL is like no other sporting event on Earth, or any other Earth for that matter.


Alleged mayor of New Orleans, Ray Nagin, seems to fully understand the importance of this game, what it really represents, and demonstrates a solid understanding of numerology. This article can be referenced for more details. The Intellectual Trio has always looked at numerology as being the most accurate of the -ologies. (What has biology taught us that we didn’t already know from 10th grade biology?) Our unending wit and brainpower, along with a TI-82 calculator and in depth analysis of numerology have led the Intellectual Trio to correctly pick the winning numbers for 798 of the last 799 lottery drawings. (Our only inaccuracy was for the North Dakota Hot Lotto, which further proves North Dakota may in fact be some sort of South Dakotan Landfill.) Mr. Nagin’s quote about the importance of four leading to a Saint’s victory is something students will be writing theses on for years. These theses will be completely and totally important, and read by many people. You may have heard that three is a divine number but as the Intellectual Trio demonstrates, four is the ultimate power number, vide this life-altering equation: 4=3=1. The i3O would not want to give away the outcome of this Super game and blow the Vegas sportsbook line so we will let you see how it plays out for yourself, but understand our prediction will prove 100% true, no matter the outcome.


Beyond the mayor's numerology expertise, he also goes on to predict what will happen after a Saints victory. The celebration will be an all out bender with mass consumption of all forms of alcohol known to man, and a few that aren’t. What he doesn’t say, but can be predicted is that if the Saints do not win this game there will probably be an all out bender with mass consumption of all forms of alcohol known to man, and a few that aren’t. We are talking about New Orleans, in the middle of Mardi Gras (French for "show us your taters"). In any event, it will be a scene that can only be rivaled by the i3O's daily lunch hour.


If more mayors were this honest, I think you would see a new found respect for all elected officials. If there is going to be political reform in this country, we think Ray Nagin is going to be the man that puts it into action. Hurricanes can’t stop him, the Super Bowl can’t stop him, not even Kanye West can interupt him! This man is unflappable. In fact, when you people name us King and Ultimate Sovereign of these Untied States, you will see Mr. Nagin sitting proudly, back straight, some four rows behind us (which would be three rows behind Cheri O'Teri and Teri Hatcher (co-Secretaries of National Teri-ism).

Profiles In Intellectualism: PETA

There exists a seemingly vicious group People for the Equal Treating of Animals or PETA, that bellows and barks (pun intended!) for animal rights. They stomp their feet and thump their own chests in classic demonstrations of aggression, but the Trio can see through their bluffs. Usually, they have lame and uninspired plans like painting and nudity to further their cause, but recently, they had a proposal so intellectual, it made my dog gasp in delight.

Replacing the immortal Punxsutawney Phil with a robotic groundhog? Brilliant! Us here at the Intellectuarium have long advocated the pervasive use of robots wherever possible – and boy, is Robohog Day possible! Long a prisoner of his meteorological ways, the immortal Punxsutawney Phil has for decades been sheltered in dismal living conditions where he is “treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania,” according to groundhog slave-owner, William Deeley. Average children get gruel – we need that groundhog to live better than the exceptional and upper-class children of Pennsylvania, wherever that is.

In addition to the definitive lifestyle improvements, replacing the malnourished and dangerously obese Punxsutawney Phil (who is also subjected to witchcraft at the hands of his evil keepers, see number two) will almost certainly improve the seasonal predictions from a meager real groundhogged 39% to an astonishingly complicated algorithm-driven, robotic 100% accuracy. If I'm paying good money for a prevision, I want it to be better made.

Truly though, the replacement of the actual animal with a robotic superanimal makes sense, not just in this specific and important instance, but as a general philosophy. More and more humans have taken to indulge in the wicked practice of animal slavery. They call these poor creatures “pets” (as if the idea alone wasn't disgusting enough – the name says it all). Some Japanese corporations are leading the charge here, selling robo-dogs for mere thousands of dollars. It would thrill the Trio to no end to see “pets,” dogs and cats alike, go back to the wild, fend for themselves and return to their natural habitat, assuming it's still as they left it.

Finally, while the improvements annotated above are helpful and downright inspired, the Trio never stops there. Perhaps you have heard that there are six billion people on this planet and the number grows everyday. Since no one seems to support my population control methods (namely, baby death cage matches to accelerate natural selection), the day is fast approaching wherein experts and policy-shapers will have to address the world's food supply. Of course, that day is yesterday, as that was the last day that the problem was unsolved, thanks (once again) to me, the Intellectual Trio.

Replacing animal celebrities with animatronic doppelgangers is imminent, and the robot-pet revolution is already underway. But they true robotics solution lies in robotic livestock. Luckily, the Trio has worked “all around the clock” on some of the prototypes in the Intellectuarium: Robocow's beefy flesh, the succulent Bionichicken drumsticks and the surprisingly sweet Automatapork. The initial reports are good and, like their feline and canine brethren, this means a welcome return to a feral state for cattle, hogs and poultry alike. Basically, robots are the future, and a small tip of our incredibly large hat to the folks at PETA for inadvertently leading the Trio where we are all too comfortable: one step closer to complete bondage of Mama Nature, once and forever.

Profiles in Intellectualism: Hines Ward

Excepting basket-ball, sports are a charming pastime for the Intellectual mind. And despite the incongruity of the name, American-style football is a particularly beloved spectacle. Full of rich and colorful uniforms and characters alike, football has become one of the most popular sports in the country (and, indeed, the Milky Way). And while many of these massive humans, justly rewarded with diamonds and facial hair, have “spoken their mind” over the years against injustice and homosexual witch-huntery, few men (and men alone, for women are appropriately barred from such a manly contest of wearing spandex capri pants and hugging each other to the ground) have spoken with the eloquence of Hines Ward.

Though Hines Ward plays in Heinz Field (talk about home-field advantage!), he has no connection to the Heinz family fortune... yet. But given some statements this week, we can safely conclude that he essentially called teammate and Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger a sissy-pants. Roethlisberger was concussed in a contest the week prior. Doctors foolishly noted post-concussive symptoms and disallowed the evil young quarterback from playing in the following meet. But Hines Ward saw right through that.

Ward remarked, “You either play and jeopardize your future, or you sit out and worry about the big picture.” In this case, the big picture is surely the Autotriopic Documentary, whose movie rights are currently available. Suffice it to say, Ward and the rest of the Steelers lost the game without their surely dizzy quarterback, putting their chances at gaining entrance to the play-offs slightly lower. The whole mess is clearly Roethlisberger's fault, who has sustained four head injuries in his short professional career, and certainly should be used to it by now.

Ward went on to explain how he can pass judgment on the very quarterback whose sinister and weak play has led the both of them to two Super Bowl titles over the past four years. Mr. Ward has claimed that when he was hurt, he lied to his doctors so that they may clear him to play – despite his injuries! Here at the Intellectuarium, we can do little but shake our heads – in excitement! Long have we waited for someone as Intellectual as us (well, almost); one who has the ability to take the phrase “mind over matter”, and put it to good use! For someone to hoodwink their own physical state using nothing more than his giant Intellective processes, well, you may color us Impressed (actually, a shade of Light Impressed).

Hines Ward has long engendered a reputation by sports writers as a “gamer”, a receiver who blocks when it is appropriate to block, and so forth. This is no small feat, as sports writers and commentators, fickle though they can be, are some of the wisest in the land. For a physical specimen like Hines Ward to push around another human being of equal or lesser size fifteen to twenty times for five to ten seconds at a time requires unimaginable grit and “love of the game”. I can scarcely imagine what a tongue-humping Ward will get from the sports scribes now that he has tricked his body into a non-injurious state.

As for Roethlisberger, I believe it is clear now that he only has one option: indiscriminately murder all of the doctors on staff for the Pittsburgh Steelers and replace them with a bunch of highly paid stooges with little integrity - the sort of yes men a personage of import a quarterback ought to have. See, the quarterback is the king of the fiefdom that is a football team, and if Roethlisberger isn't prepared to put his meaningless future health at risk for the glory at hand, well, the peasants are rising. And it isn't as if there isn't a potential dictator waiting in the wings. A quick look at the roster reveals one such player with tyrant-quarterback experience in college: Hines Ward!

It is clear now that Hines Ward is plotting a vicious coup on the despotic Roethlisberger and his ineffective court of doctors and medicine men. Well, he has the Trio's full endorsement. After all, this isn't politics or warfare, it's football. And football is the most important thing of all. Besides the Intellectual Trio, of course.

The New York Times had a surprising intellectative take on the Ward saga:

But Ward was stuck in the same refrain, about how he had lied to doctors and played with concussions, and survived. Again, Ward insisted, he was not questioning anybody’s toughness, not judging another man. Here was Ward, wrestling with concussions, debating no one except himself.

Wrestling medical conditions? Debating no one except himself? Intellectual moves any day of the month! Huzzah, Mr. Ward!

Intellectual "Up-to-Date": Hines Ward has since "apologized" to Mr. Ben Roethlisberger, claiming he did not "have all of the information." Sure, Mr. Ward. This reminds us of the old adage: keep your friends close, and your enemies full of apologies - and, after a while, gut them and take their empire. Well played, indeed.

Have an Intellectual worthy of a Profile? E-Mail us, theintellectualtrio@gmail.com: festina lente!

Profiles in Intellectualism: Space Cadet Lisa Marie Nowak

My fellow intellectuals, it is time we clear our collective throat and bellow out a mighty harrumph in the name of democracy! Look at the facts of this case, two astronauts and an Air Force captain in some sort of inter-orbit love obtuse triangle. Throw in the Navy, NASA, and the court system and there is more bureaucracy involved than at an Intellectual Trio dinner party!

“Allegedly," and with great Gusto, Cadet Nowak, a NASA something or other, drove from one place to another, wearing nothing but the finest diapers, to dress up (sources say it was not Hallow's Eve) and attack the woman who stole her man. This sort of gumption is sorely lacking today, a dubious feather in ol' Uncle Penal Code's cap. Her sentencing amounted to a year of probation and some hours of community service, or as we Intellectuals like to say, an extra crispy In and Out Justice Burger. And while we're no legal scholars, her sentence may or may not fit the crime. But that is not the tickle from this story's feather we're worried about.

We all know it was said best “all you need is love..hurts”. No truer words have been spoken, except every word that I have ever spoken. There are a few issues in this case that bother me, and in turn should bother you. First of which is the common courtesy of understanding the hierarchy of relationships. Everyone knows that being an Air Force captain is a very noble position. (The i3O thanks all of the troops of this great landmass). Being an Astronaut though, is literally in a different world. An Astronaut mind works differently than the mind of an average earthling. They don’t worry about trivial things like gravity, hydrated milks, or global warming.

Thirdly is the issue of why this story received so much attention. Space cadet Lisa Marie Nowak driving from Texas to Florida to attack Capt. Colleen Shipman, the current squeeze of Nowak’s spaceman ex is so far fetched? You wouldn’t do the same for your significant other? How dare you call yourself a lover, or a fighter for that matter! Wearing diapers to reduce the frequency of pit stops? Babies do it all the time without ridicule, yet this woman is chastised and turned into the soiled butt of countless lame jokes! If you want to hate babies then be my guest, but know there is plenty of room at Gitmo. If there is one thing the Patriot Act supports it is not making fun of babies.

Secondly, and finally, why would this astronaut attack an Air Force pilot at an AIRPORT! Airports are Air Force turf, you might as well have attacked her at 20,000 feet on the wing of a 737 (This is not advised as the wind speed makes it extremely difficult to properly attack with any ninja weapon). Although this cannot be confirmed, it is believed the initial plan was for Ms. Nowak to lure Captain Shipman to Disneyworld. Once at Disneyworld, Nowak would attack Shipman while on Space Mountain to keep the home field advantage herself. A more Intellective ruse hast ne'er-fore been cogitated. Sadly, due to the extremely long drive, partnered with the diaper rash, temporary insanity precipitated Ms. Nowak's belief the airport was in fact, Space Mountain.

So huzzah, Cadet Nowak, for following your heart. The heart, after all, is the organ from which Intellectuality comes from, not the brain (you mindless drones), which, obviously, houses the soul, or at least, what's left of it. After all, what is the crime here? Besides assault? When the day comes wherein a young lady can't stalk and attack the beau of the man she loves, or at least, likes, even if... the feelings weren't reciprocated, I hope that day will be a Thursday, which at our Intellectuarium, we've taken to calling Inside-Out Thursday. It's time we took a long Intellectual look in our looking glasses, gentlemen. A long look in-deed.

In all seriousness, The Intellectual Trio is glad no one was seriously injured. We have all learned to not date anyone from outer space and I hope that everyone can move on with their lives. I wish the best to the happy couple…whoever it turns out to be. Also please note that the i3O does not endorse; stalking, felonies, misdemeanors, crimes of passion, crime in general, being pro or con baby, driving from Texas to Florida in a diaper, or passing judgment on the legal system. We do endorse ourselves, support of the troops, and the grand old United States of America!